The Carhullan Army

did not matter to me. She had killed, but it was clear there was nothing of that fury left in her now.
    The others were in another part of the spinney, tossing logs onto the wheelbarrow and barracking, but she lowered her voice when she next spoke. ‘Honestly? I think Jackie’s restless. It’s always better when there’s something for her to do, when there’s something going on. She wasn’t as hard-nosed when I first came here. She had Vee for company. She was more relaxed. It’s almost like she wants to start again, differently, you know?’
    I sat on a tree stump. There was a fresh smell of sap. ‘She implied when I first came that the women should act differently, that we might need to.’ Shruti laughed. ‘Yeah, she implies that to everyone. Maybe it’s true. But. We’re still here, aren’t we?’ I nodded and bit the dry skin on my lip. ‘What do you make of her?’ I asked. ‘Who, Jackie? Well, she’s not crazy. I know that. No matter what some of them say about her when she’s not around to hear. She isn’t crazy. She should be though, she really should be. You’re very interested in her, Sister. Careful. I might start getting jealous.’ The tape creaked as she uncoiled the adhesive strip. I smiled at her. I knew now was my chance to find out more about Carhullan’s history. I decided to press her on the one subject I had so far been unable to broach with anyone else. ‘Nobody’s told me how Veronique died. I haven’t really asked. But it seems to be off limits.’
    Shruti tore off a length of plaster, wrapped her finger with it, and passed me the roll back. She crouched on the ground in front of me and tucked her hands in the folds of her knees. ‘Yeah, I know,’ she said. ‘No one talks about it. I knew you were going to ask me. That’s what I get for being good to you, eh?’ She smiled sadly. ‘Vee got cancer. She found a lump. They knew what it was, straight away. But it was after the Reorganisation, and she wouldn’t go down into the town and ask for treatment. Jackie wanted her to, so did Lorry, but she said there was no point – they’d just be turned away and it might ruin things here in the process. None of us are listed on the census, we all made that choice – well, you already know that.’
    She paused, untucked her hands, picked up a twig and snapped it. ‘They argued like mad and both were as stubborn as each other. God, the house practically came down around us all. I heard Jackie yelling at her upstairs once. She said she’d served her fucking country by killing as many sand niggers as the coalition wanted and now her country could serve her by keeping her nigger alive. Shit. You know how she talks. Well. This was one argument Vee won. They didn’t go.’ Shruti sighed. ‘It took about eight months for her to die. She was in agony. Lorry did everything she could. She even cut her open and tried to get it out, but you can’t treat something like that up here.’
    She sighed again and blinked. Her eyes were bright with emotion. She swallowed uncomfortably and looked at the ground. ‘In the end Vee started begging. For them to help her finish it. She just kept asking, over and over, saying if they loved her they would help her. So they did. They carried her out to the Pins, because she loved that place, and they shot her. Jackie did it. Everyone was there. Everyone loved her, you see. She was an incredible woman. My God, she was so full of optimism. Nothing fazed her. Not even Jackie. I wish you’d met her. I really do.’
    She put her hand into the debris of the copse floor as if searching for something under the brittle leaves and twigs. When she brought it out there was a small brown kernel on her palm. She dropped it. I knew she was finding it all too difficult, trying to compose herself. She took a deep breath and continued. ‘And Jackie … She kept hold of the gun. She wouldn’t put it down afterwards. We thought she wanted to kill herself too. There was that crackle around her, you know, that feeling you get when people are a danger to you, and to themselves. When anyone tried to take it from her she pointed it at them. Even Lorry. It took about a dozen people to get it off her. They knocked her out cold.’ She paused and swallowed again. ‘I’ve never seen love like that before. Never in my life. I know I couldn’t have done what she did. You see now why nobody talks about it.’
    Shruti stood up abruptly and shook her head. There were tears