The Carhullan Army

cut into my scalp and my wrists where my coat had dragged up, but I held still. We were close to Carhullan now. I heard a quiet clicking noise, as if someone was slowly turning the dial on a safe. I kept my eyes covered. Then they moved forward again and I could see the four of them silhouetted in the lights of the farm. I drew myself out from under the bush, rolling to the side. Its needles had hold of my clothes and I unfastened their grip cautiously, biting my lip as I handled the thorns, and I began after them again.
    They had reached the courtyard gate. I heard raised voices coming from inside. At ease, the patrol went in. I had a wild feeling then, not of triumph but of satisfaction in what I was doing, the stealth, the patience, and being the last person on the moor that night. I moved to the wall of the courtyard and inched down.
    As I got closer to the gate I could hear Shruti’s voice. Mild alarm rang in it. ‘She was with us, all the way. I thought she was. Didn’t you pass her?’ I heard another voice, Corky’s, clear and scornful. ‘No. You were all out getting laid. Your heads are full of quim spit and you didn’t notice she was gone.’ I heard Chloe chip in then. ‘Fuck off, Cordelia. You don’t have to follow us around all the time like the bloody inquisition. It isn’t your job.’ ‘No, fuck you, Chloe, but apparently I do, since you can’t keep it together. Now I’ll have to go back out there with Lynn and find her. Which is going to go down a real treat, isn’t it? You want to tell Jacks the probie’s out there, probably with a busted ankle and exposure, or shall I tell her?’ ‘Be my fucking guest.’
    Before the argument could escalate further I walked between the outbuildings and into the yard. ‘It’s all right, I’m here,’ I said. ‘Sorry, I got a bit turned around in the dark. That’s all. No damage done.’ The group stared at me, caught between astonishment and annoyance. Corky was shaking her head slightly. ‘Turned around. Funny. I didn’t hear you calling after the others, Sister.’ She narrowed her eyes. I could tell she did not trust what I had said. Beside her I could see the relief on Shruti’s face. I smiled to show her I was fine. ‘Any chance of dinner or are we too late?’ She rolled her eyes and jerked her thumb at the front door. ‘If we’re quick.’ I felt her hand pressing the small of my back as we went through into the house. I heard Corky’s voice behind us, and it was discomposed for once. ‘A nice report this is going to be. I’m not sure who looks worse, you lot, us, or her.’
    They had already begun clearing the table but Ruthie had saved our portions; she had five bowls sitting on the skillet of the range under a cloth. ‘Carrot and ginger,’ she said. ‘And you can bloody well wash them up after. I’m done for the night.’ The women all went to her and kissed her and made a fuss and when they let her go she left the kitchen, feigning exasperation. I sat with the group and we spooned down the soup and ate the leftover oatcakes, which had gone cold. Though the lighthearted mood had evaporated after the spat with the patrol, I still felt mildly elated. I apologised to them again for my disappearance but Chloe shook her head, saying it wasn’t my fault, she just hated being spied on by the damn unit all the time, as if she was the enemy in some war game.
    While they talked about the health of the two boys in the settlement, I tore a cake into pieces and swabbed the last of my soup with it. I wondered where the patrol had been watching from while we were at the village and whether they had seen Shruti and me behind the cottage. I knew it didn’t matter. The women obviously made trips to see the men as and when they wanted; it was standard practice. Half the women at the farm were in relationships, and everybody’s business was known: who was arguing, who was solid, and who had begun sleeping with a new partner. But I was still a fresh face, and I couldn’t help feeling exposed.
    As we were scraping out our bowls, Jackie came into the kitchen and sat on the bench a little way down from the group. She rested her head on her hand and watched us, her fingers massaging the folded cleft above her jaw. Her presence did not seem to affect anyone else greatly, but I was edgy and excited, the way I always was when she was close. I wondered what the unit had reported of the afternoon’s events. She had not exactly issued an order for