The Carpet People

‘Although only in a metaphorical sense, you understand, because I would not, much as I always admired your straightforward approach, and indeed your forthright stance, actually give you my house, it being the only house I have, and therefore the term is being extended in an, as it were, gratuitous fashion—’
    Owlglass was clearly having some trouble getting to the end of the sentence. Glurk tapped Pismire on the shoulder.
    ‘He’s a philosopher too, is he?’ he said.
    ‘You can tell, can’t you,’ said Pismire. ‘Um,Owlglass . . . thanks very much.’
    The apothecary gave up the struggle, and smiled.
    ‘We need some food,’ said Pismire. ‘And most of all—’
    ‘—we want information,’ said Bane. ‘What’s happening here?’
    ‘Which would you like first?’ said Owlglass.
    ‘Food,’ said Glurk. The others glared at him. ‘Well, I thought he was looking at me when he asked,’ he said.
    ‘Make yourself at home,’ said Owlglass. ‘Although of course when I say home I don’t precisely mean—‘
    ‘Yes, yes, thank you very much,’ said Pismire. Owlglass bustled over to a cupboard. Glurk stared at the jars and pots that littered the back room. In some of the jars, things stared back.
    ‘Owlglass and I went to school together,’ said Pismire. ‘And then Owlglass decided he was going to study the Carpet. What it’s made of. The properties of different kinds of hair. Rare and strange animals. That sort of thing.’
    ‘And Pismire decided he was going to study people,’ said Owlglass, producing a loaf and some butter. ‘And got sentenced to death for calling the last Emperor a . . . a . . . what was it now?’
    ‘Well, he deserved it,’ said Pismire. ‘He wouldn’t give me any money to preserve the Library. All thebooks were crumbling. I was supposed to look after the Library, after all. It’s knowledge. He said we didn’t need a lot of old books, we knew all we needed to know. I was just trying to make the point that a civilization needs books if there’s going to be a reasoned and well-informed exchange of views.’
    ‘I was trying to remember what you called him.’
    ‘An ignorant sybarite who didn’t have the sense of a meat pie,’ said Pismire.
    ‘Sounds pretty nasty, sentencing someone to death just for that,’ said Glurk, putting the loaf on his plate. He kept turning around to look at the jar behind him. It had something hairy in it.
    ‘Actually, he got sentenced to death for apologizing,’ said Owlglass.
    ‘How can you be sentenced to death for apologizing?’
    ‘He said he was sorry, but on reflection he realized that the Emperor had got the sense of a meat pie,’ said Owlglass. ‘He was running at the time, too.’
    ‘I think on my feet,’ said Pismire, proudly.
    ‘You insulted the Emperor?’ said Brocando. ‘Why didn’t you say? I didn’t know you were famous .’
    ‘And accurate,’ said Bane. ‘Targon’s father was a disgrace to the Empire.’
    ‘Where have you been hiding all these years?’ said Owlglass, pulling up a chair. ‘Of course, when I say hiding I don’t mean—’
    ‘Oh, a little place no one’s ever heard of,’ said Pismire.
    ‘Do you mind if I turn that jar around?’ said Glurk. ‘I don’t like things watching me when I eat.’
    ‘What’s happening here in Ware?’ said Bane shortly. ‘There’s hardly a guard on the gates. That is disgusting. Don’t people know what’s happening? The Empire’s being attacked. My empire!’
    ‘If no one wants that piece of cheese, pass it along,’ said Glurk.
    ‘We’ve heard,’ said Owlglass. ‘But the Emperor says that Ware is perfectly safe. These new advisers say so, apparently.’
    ‘Advisers?’ said Pismire. The word was like a lump of grit.
    ‘There aren’t any pickles around, are there?’ said Glurk.
    ‘Advisers,’ said Bane. ‘And has anyone . . . seen these advisers?’
    ‘Don’t think so,’ said Owlglass. ‘I heard that General Vagerus was demoted for calling the legions back. The Emperor said he was spreading unnecessary alarm. And the guards around the palace aren’t letting anyone in.’
    ‘Is there any more of this cucumber?’
    ‘It’s how they work,’ said Bane. ‘You know it. From inside. Like Jeopard. And the High Gate Land.’
    ‘What? Cucumbers?’ said Glurk.
    ‘Yes, but not in Ware,’ said Pismire. ‘Not here. I can’t believe that. Not at the centre. Surely not?’
    ‘Who would think of looking at the centre?’ said