The Exiles

had so many things to worry us then,’ Naomi said. ‘Does she know we’re coming?’
    Sometimes Mrs Conroy could not believe the idiocy of her own daughters.

Chapter Four
    It was difficult to remember who had first christened Big Grandma. None of the children had ever thought of her as anything else; yet it could not have been their parents because they did not like the name at all. Anyway, they called her that now, without thinking what it meant, or even meaning to be rude.
    There were plenty of reasons why she should be called Big Grandma. For a start she was very tall and muscly, and she ate a lot. Also, she wore men’s pyjamas and drank whisky at bedtime. In a lot of ways she was huge. Her house was very big too; even the toilet was higher than ordinary people’s toilets. It had a wooden seat which always felt warm, and by Monday morning Naomi had decided that the only thing she really liked about Big Grandma’s house was the toilet seat.
    On Monday morning, Mrs Conroy, who had travelled up with the children primarily to make sure they got there, and didn’t escape on the way (as she had heard them planning to do), caught an early train back home to Lincolnshire. Big Grandma drove her to the station in her awful car and refused to let the girls come too. Mrs Conroy said she didn’t want any scenes on the platform, and Big Grandma said they would be more trouble than they were worth. Just before she drove away she shouted:
    ‘Hurry up and have breakfast ready for when I come back! You’ll find everything you need! Two eggs for me!’
    Then she tooted her beastly horn and drove off with their mother. They didn’t even have time to wave goodbye.
    They were left alone.
    ‘She’s gone!’ Phoebe said. Until that moment she had never really believed her mother would leave them there. Suddenly she started running after the car. She ran and ran, but already the car was out of sight. Giving up, she stood deserted in the middle of the empty road. Ruth and Naomi came puffing to meet her.
    ‘Don’t start crying for goodness sake!’ implored Ruth. ‘You’ll only set Rachel off !’
    ‘I’m not,’ said Phoebe indignantly. ‘I wanted to catch Mum. She forgot to give me my Christmas List Money.’
    Naomi abandoned self-control and grabbed her deluded little sister by the shoulders.
    ‘Look at me!’
    Phoebe stared disinterestedly at Naomi’s flat chest.
    ‘At my face!’
    Phoebe gazed upwards.
    ‘Now listen. You are not getting ANY money! Do you understand?’
    Phoebe privately decided that Naomi was mad, but nevertheless nodded appeasingly.
    ‘Say “Yes”,’ commanded Naomi.
    ‘Yes,’ agreed Phoebe casually, and then as Naomi released her grip she added cheerfully, ‘I’ll get it when we go home then.’
    Rachel was standing on the front steps looking very miserable. ‘What about breakfast?’ she called as they frogmarched Phoebe up to her. ‘She said she wanted two eggs.’
    ‘I don’t know. We didn’t have any yesterday, getting up so late. How are we to know where she keeps everything?’
    ‘Big Grandma had breakfast yesterday,’ Phoebe remarked. ‘She had bacon and stuff like that. I smelt it cooking.’
    ‘Well, we’d better do something,’ Ruth said, heading back through the house to the kitchen. ‘She’ll be here soon, and she’ll only start gloating and swaggering if we don’t.’
    ‘And calling us incapable,’ agreed Naomi. ‘Come on then.’
    Tentatively they started opening cupboard doors and exploring the contents. They found a lot of home-made jam in one, and another full of herbs and spices.
    ‘Look at all this curry powder,’ said Ruth. ‘Whatever does she want that amount for?’
    ‘She probably cleans her teeth with it,’ Naomi replied. ‘Here’s eggs, ordinary ones, and horrible looking ones. I suppose we ought to give her the ordinaries.’
    ‘I want Frosties,’ Phoebe announced.
    ‘Look what I’ve found,’ called Rachel. ‘Dog food! I didn’t know Big Grandma had a dog!’
    ‘There aren’t any Frosties,’ said Ruth. ‘I can’t even find cornflakes. What’s that you’ve got, Rachel?’
    ‘Tins of dog food. D’you think she’s got a dog?’
    ‘We’d have seen it yesterday.’ A nasty thought struck Ruth and she hastened to share it. ‘Perhaps she eats it herself.’
    ‘Probably it’s for when she turns into a werewolf,’ Naomi suggested, ‘and hasn’t any grandchildren to chew on.’
    ‘Shut up,’ said Ruth. ‘Help me set