The Fifth Elephant

streaming down Colon’s face.
    “Oh, good. Clearly you have been purchasing extra supplies of spit. Now then, let me see…”
    Lord Vetinari drew a sheet of paper from one of the small stack in front of him.
    “Now then, Acti—”
    “Sah!”
    “To be sure. I have here another complaint of overenthusiastic clamping…I’m sure you know to what I refer.”
    “It was causing serious traffic congestion, sah!”
    “Quite so. It is well known for it. But it is, in fact, the opera house.”
    “Sah!”
    “The owner feels that big yellow clamps at each corner detract from what I might call the tone of the building. And, of course, they do prevent him from driving it away.”
    “Sah!”
    “Indeed. I think that this is a case where discretion might be advisable, Acting Captain!”
    “Got to make an example to the others, sah!”
    “Ah. Yes.” The Patrician held another piece of paper delicately between thumb and forefinger, as though it were some rare and strange creature. “The others being…let me see if I can recall, some things do stick in the mind so…ah, yes…three other buildings, six fountains, three statues and the gibbet in Nonesuch Street. Oh, and my own palace.”
    “I fully understand you’re parked on business, sah!”
    Lord Vetinari paused. He found it difficult to talk to Frederick Colon. He dealt on a daily basis with people who treated conversation as a complex game, and with Colon he had to keep on adjusting his mind in case he overshot.
    “Pursuing the business of your recent career with, I have to admit, some considerable and growing fascination, I am moved to ask you why the Watch now appears to have a staff of twenty.”
    “Sah?”
    “You had around sixty a little while ago, I’m sure.”
    Colon mopped his face.
    “Cutting out the dead wood, sah! Making the Watch leaner an’ fitter, sah!”
    “I see. The number of internal disciplinary charges you have laid against your men,” and here the Patrician picked up a much thicker document, “seems somewhat excessive. I see no fewer than one hundred and seventy three offenses of eyeballing, earlobing and nostrilling, for example.”
    “Sah!”
    “Nostrilling, Acting Captain?”
    “Sah!”
    “Oh. And I see, ah yes, one charge of ‘making his arm fall off in an insubordinate way’ laid against Constable Shoe. Commander Vimes has always given me glowing reports about this officer.”
    “’E’s a nasty piece of work, sah! You can’t trust the dead ones!”
    “Nor, it would seem, most of the live ones.”
    “Sah!” Colon leaned forward, his face twisted in a ghastly grimace of conspiratoriality. “Between you and me, sir, Commander Vimes was a good deal too soft on them. He let them get away with too much. No sugar is safe, sah!”
    Vetinari’s eyes narrowed, but the telescopes on Planet Colon were far too unsophisticated to detect his mood.
    “I certainly recall him mentioning a couple of officers whose timekeeping, demeanor, and all around uselessness were a dreadful example to the rest of the men,” said the Patrician.
    “There’s my point,” said Colon triumphantly. “One bad apple ruins the whole barrel!”
    “I think there’s only a basket now,” said the Patrician. “A punnet, possibly.”
    “Don’t you worry about a thing, Your Lordship! I’ll turn things around. I’ll soon get them smartened up!”
    “I am sure you have it in you to surprise me even further,” said Vetinari, leaning back. “I shall definitely keep my eye on you as the man to watch. And now, Acting Captain, do you have anything else to report?”
    “All nice and quiet, sah!”
    “I would that it was,” said Vetinari. “I was just wondering if there was anything going on involving any person in this city called…” he looked down at another sheet of paper, “Sonky?”
    Captain Colon almost swallowed his tongue.
    “Minor matter, sah!” he managed.
    “So…Sonky is alive?”
    “Er…found dead, sah!”
    “Murdered?”
    “Sah!”
    “Dear me. Many people would not consider that a minor matter, Acting Captain. Sonky, for one.”
    “Well, sah, not everyone agrees with what he does, sah.”
    “Are we by any chance talking about Wallace Sonky? The manufacturer of rubber goods?”
    “Sah!”
    “Boots and gloves seem noncontroversial to me , Acting Captain.”
    “It’s…er…the other stuff, sah!” Colon coughed nervously. “He makes them rubber wallies, sah.”
    “Ah. The preventatives.”
    “Lot of people don’t