The Flesh Cartel #5: Wins and Losses

fighting it then. No game playing. No outwitting. Just pure unstoppable need, the likes of which his current situation wouldn’t hold a candle to.
Or I can give in right now, while I still have the power to do it of my own will.
God, that would be a relief.
“Sir,” he said, barely above a whisper. His heart pounded. There’d be no taking this back, once he said it. But then . . . there’d been no taking it back once he’d thought it, and he’d already done that. Made his decision. Mat, forgive me.
“Yes?” Nikolai, still steadying him with one hand, reached up to stroke his hair behind his ear with the other. The moment stretched between them, brimming with possibility, like the held breath before a first kiss.
“Sir, I’m ready to do what you want now.” Dougie’s face burned with shame, but he forced himself to look Nikolai in the eye. I’m sincere, he tried to make his expression say.
Nikolai didn’t smile like Dougie had thought (hoped?) he would, didn’t do anything, really, except keep stroking his hair, holding his gaze with the surety of a man in total control of his world. “That’s good, Douglas. That’s very good. But do you trust me?”
“Yes,” he whispered, because speaking a lie like that was easy after the last thing he’d made himself say.
It was wrong, though, the wrong thing to do—Nikolai’s face hardened almost imperceptibly, and the stroking hand behind Dougie’s ear stilled. Nikolai shook his head. “I don’t like it when you lie to me, Douglas. It hurts me, do you understand?”
He didn’t. He said nothing.
“I would never lie to you, Douglas. Is it so much to expect the same in return?”
Yes, because you hold all the power.
Nikolai dropped his hand, shrugged. “But . . . baby steps, I suppose. We’ll work on that trust together, you and I. You can begin by earning mine. You said you were ready to do as I asked. Did you mean it?”
No. “Yes, sir.”
“Then beg me for release. Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you. If you ask nicely enough, sincerely enough, I might well grant your wishes.”
“Sir, I—” Should I kneel? Yes, do that. Dougie dropped to his knees, whimpering at the change in position. He pressed his cheek to Nikolai’s thigh, hoping it looked like worship when really he just needed something to lean on to keep himself upright. Another wave of horrible pleasure made his eyelids tremble. Made him grit his teeth. “Please, sir, please take this plug out of me.”
Nikolai was frowning now.
No no no this is all wrong, it’s all wrong, I’m making it worse oh God help me. Dougie rubbed his face against Nikolai’s leg, back and forth, probably smearing tears and snot all over the expensive fabric.
“Do to you, Douglas. Not for you. It’s hardly giving anything of yourself to beg me for mercy. You’ve been begging for freedom since you got here; how has that worked for you so far? Try again.”
“Sir, please take the plug out and fuck me. It’s so big sir, I’ll be l-loose for you. I won’t fight you.” He was going to be sick. “And please sir, let me come. I can’t— I can’t think straight anymore. I don’t know if I’m even a person anymore.”
God, he hadn’t meant to say that. Where had that even come from?
Nikolai cupped a hand around the back of his head—big, strong, unnervingly soothing. Gentle pressure, urging Dougie to lean against his thigh again. “Of course you’re a person, Douglas. You’re merely in flux—a grand transformation, but one for the better, to be sure. It’s difficult to let go of the past, of all you’ve ever known. Even when all you’ve ever known has been so very bad for you—so very bad to you. But you’re just a boy, Douglas. You’ve never known any different, so how could you know any better? That’s why I’m here. To help you understand, to learn, to grow. I’ve walked in your shoes, Douglas. I’ve been as lost, as needy, as desperate and hopeless and unmoored. Trust me, and I’ll help you to stand in my shoes.” Nikolai stroked from the crown of Dougie’s head down to his shoulder, then held his hand out as if to help Dougie to his feet. “Now stand up. Lean over the bed. Present me your ass like the well-tended property it is, and you the proud caretaker, showing me how much you’ve achieved.”
Stop talking. Please stop talking and let me do this in peace, suffer this humiliation without a fucking narrator.
He didn’t want Nikolai’s help to stand this time, so