The Hardest Thing

the other. Just keep walking.
    But this isn’t the way to the station. This is the way back to Steve’s house, to the crummy neighborhood of
row houses and trash cans and dog shit and bugs in the furniture.
    This is the way back to Jody.
    I walked up the street to the house and I rang the doorbell. It was nine o’clock in the evening. Maybe Steve would be home, maybe he wouldn’t.
    I rang, and nobody answered.
    Walk away, Dan. Walk away now, before it gets worse.
    But I stayed and I waited, and that is the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than all the fighting and killing, harder than living a secret life, hiding the truth, harder than Will dying and all that followed.
    I waited like a fool outside that house and there was nothing to protect me, no strategy, no back up, no rules. I was unarmed.
    And finally, just as I was ready to turn around and walk away, I heard the uneven thump of footsteps descending the stairs, and Jody’s voice, strained, distant, approaching.
    “Dan? Is that you? Dan? Don’t go away.” Nearer. “Please don’t go away. I’m coming, Dan. I’m coming as fast as I can.”
    The door opened, and he stood there thin, pale, sweating. He looked feverish.
    “Oh, Jesus, Dan. I thought you’d gone.”
    I opened my arms and took hold of him, feeling the wetness of his hair, his forehead, as it stuck to my face.
    “I thought you’d gone. I thought…”
    I closed the door behind me. “It’s okay,” I said. “I’m here.”
    And I carried him upstairs to bed.

James Lear is the internationally bestselling author of gay erotic fiction, including The Back Passage, The Palace of Varieties, and A Sticky End . His novels regularly top the Amazon rankings, and in 2008 he was named Writer of the Year at the Erotic Awards. Mr. Lear lives and works in London. The Hardest Thing is his seventh novel.

    Author Photograph: Copyright © 2013 by James M Barrett.

Copyright © 2013 by James Lear.

    All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

    Published in the United States by Cleis Press, Inc.,
2246 Sixth Street, Berkeley, California 94710.

    eISBN : 978-1-573-44946-5