The Last Continent

said Rincewind. “I’ll look for the pubs with the mauve umbrellas outside, shall I?”
    Neilette gave him a wave and Darleen made an amusing gesture as they walked away, almost bumping into a group of men in white. One of them shouted, “Hey, there he is…Sorry, ladies…”
    “Oh, hello, Charley…Ron…” said Rincewind, as the chefs bore down on him.
    “Heard you wuzzas was leavin’,” said Ron. “Wouldn’t be fair to let you go without shaking you by the hand, Charley said.”
    “The Peach Nellie went down a treat,” said Charley, beaming broadly.
    “Glad to hear it,” said Rincewind. “Good to see you looking so cheerful.”
    “It gets better!” said Ron. “There’s a new soprano just been taken on and she’s a winner if I’m any judge and…no, Charley, you tell him her name…”
    “Germaine Trifle,” said Charley. A wider grin would have resulted in the top of his head slipping off.
    “I’m very happy for you,” said Rincewind. “Start whipping that cream right now, y’hear?”
    Ron patted him on the shoulder. “We could always do with another hand in the kitchens,” he said. “Just say the word, mate.”
    “Well, it’s very kind of you, and when I pull another tissue out of a box I’ll always remember you blokes at the Opera House, but—”
    “There he is!”
    The gaoler and the captain of the guard were jogging along the quay. The gaoler was waving encouragingly at him.
    “Nah, nah, it’s all right, you don’t have to run!” he shouted. “We’ve got a pardon for you!”
    “Pardon?” said Rincewind.
    “That’s right!” The gaoler reached him, and fought for breath. “Signed…by…the prime minister,” he managed. “Says you’re a…good bloke and we’re not to…hang you…” He straightened up. “Mind you, we wouldn’t do that anyway, not now. Best bloody escape we’ve ever bloody had since Tinhead Ned!”
    Rincewind looked down at the writing on the official lined prison notepaper.
    “Oh. Good,” he said weakly. “At least someone thinks I didn’t steal the damn thing.”
    “Oh, everyone knows you stole it,” said the gaoler happily. “But after that escape, we-ell…and that chase, eh? Bluey here says he’s never seen anyone run like you, and that’s a fact!”
    The guard punched Rincewind playfully on the arm. “Good on yer, mate,” he said, grinning. “But we’ll catch yer next time!”
    Rincewind looked blankly at the pardon. “You mean I’m getting this for being a good sport?”
    “No worries!” said the gaoler. “And there’s a queue of farmers sayin’ if you want to steal one of their sheep next time that’d be bonza, just so long as they get a verse in the ballad.”
    Rincewind gave up. “What can I say?” he said. “You keep one of the best condemned cells I’ve ever stayed in, and I’ve been in a few.” He looked at the glow of admiration in their faces and decided that, since fortune had been kind, it was time to give something back. “Er…I’d take it kindly, though, if you’d never ever redecorate that cell.”
    “No worries. Here, I thought we ought to give you this,” said the gaoler, handing him a little giftwrapped package. “Got no use for it now, eh?”
    Rincewind unwrapped the hempen rope.
    “I’m lost for words,” he said. “How thoughtful. I’m bound to find lots of uses for it. And what’s this… sandwiches ?”
    “Y’know that sticky brown stuff you made? Well, all the lads tried it and they all went ‘yukk’ and then they all wanted some more, so we tried cooking up a batch,” said the gaoler. “I was thinking of going into business. You don’t mind, do you?”
    “No worries. Be my guest.”
    “Good on yer!”
    Someone else wandered up as he watched them hurry away.
    “I heard you were going back,” said Bill Rincewind. “Want to stay on here? I had a word with your Dean. He gave you a bloody good reference.”
    “Did he? What did he say?”
    “He said if I could get you to do any work for me I’d be lucky,” said Bill.
    Rincewind looked around at the city, glistening under the rain.
    “It’s a nice offer,” he said. “But…oh, I dunno…all this sun, sea, surf and sand wouldn’t be good for me. Thanks all the same.”
    “You sure?”
    “Yes.”
    Bill Rincewind held out his hand. “No worries,” he said. “I’ll send you a card at Hogswatch, and some bit of clothing that doesn’t fit properly. I’d better get back to the university now, I’ve got all