The Long War

speech mechanisms like ours in order to deal with us, in some way. Even intelligence might have been promoted, in competition with us.
    ‘And so we come to the kobolds. These creatures may indeed be the “kobolds” of myth, the source of German legends of mine spirits, which are also known as types of gnome or dwarf, or Bergmännlein , “little mountain men”. They would infest metal mines, and would be heard rather than seen. They could be helpful: their knocking could guide human miners to rich ore seams, or warn them of danger. In Cornwall, England, they became known as “tommy-knockers”. And they would sometimes steal human artefacts, gewgaws like mirrors, combs; they were evidently fascinated by human material culture, though they could not emulate it.
    ‘It has to be said that the observed kobolds’ robust anatomy, their aversion to bright light, their hands and feet evidently adapted for digging into the earth, are all features consistent with an underground origin. Perhaps they evolved in the subterranean Datum, or at least adapted to it, their ancestors having stepped away and returned. And perhaps in recent centuries the rising human population finally drove them away, leaving them separated from humanity until our own stepping diffusion began. The word “kobold” incidentally is the source of the name “cobalt” . . .
    ‘Oddly enough, though these creatures are in many ways the most human-like of the humanoid species, and in some ways the most cognitively advanced, they are among the most secretive. Perhaps that’s because of the derogatory names humans tend to give them. Or perhaps it’s just because they know humans.
    ‘It may be surprising to a layman that there are any sedentary Long Earth humanoids who have been shaped over evolutionary timescales by contact with humans. This can only come about, of course, if that species returned to Datum Earth and then lost its stepping ability. Well, there is one Datum species that may fit this category, though the genetic evidence is controversial: the bonobo chimps. In retrospect, who could ever have imagined that these gentle creatures belong on the same planet as the likes of us? Not to mention their cousins the common chimps, who are almost as unpleasant as we are. No wonder the bonobos’ ancestors got out of here as soon as they could steal a car. And bad luck for the present-day bonobos that their more recent ancestors came wandering back.
    ‘Is that enough, Jocasta? Then perhaps you could tell the long-haired kobold lookalike in the production booth that eating a burger all the way through my interview was even more off-putting than you might expect . . .’

45
    ‘Y OU HAVE MORE Kinks-ss?’
    ‘Some,’ whispered Bill through the radio.
    ‘Give.’
    ‘No.’
    ‘What is your name?’ Joshua asked at last.
    The kobold grinned. At least, his teeth grinned. ‘My name to menn is Finn McCool.’
    ‘I thought of that,’ Bill said. ‘Seemed to fit.’
    ‘I give no name for menn. Not my name.’
    ‘Finn McCool will do,’ Joshua said.
    ‘People of the pathless-ss world stranger than trollen,’ Finn McCool said, studying Joshua and his bits of kit. ‘How live? No weaponn?’
    ‘Oh, I have a weapon.’
    ‘But one only. You are pathless-ss. We are many.’
    ‘Many? Where? Where are the rest of you?’
    The kobold held out his hand. ‘You give. This-ss the way, as all know. You give, I talk.’
    ‘Ignore him,’ Bill said. ‘We’ve given already. He’s just trying to drive a hard bargain.’
    Joshua studied the kobold. ‘You trade, right? You trade with other humans?’
    ‘Other humans-ss. And with other, not-humann, not kobold-ss . . .’
    ‘With other types of humanoid? Other races?’
    ‘And they trade with others-ss. Others-ss, ff-rom far world-ss.’
    ‘How far?’
    ‘Worlds-ss where there iss no moon. S-ssun different colour . . .’
    ‘Horse shit,’ said Bill. ‘No such worlds. He’s just trying to wheedle more out of you, Joshua. Aren’t you, Finn McCool? You can’t shit a shitter, you little shit. Listen, Joshua, you have to understand what we’re dealing with here. These are slippery little buggers. They get around quick, they seem to be able to use soft places, they talk all the time, and they trade, with us and each other. But they’re not human . They don’t do business the way we do, grubbing for wealth, making as much profit as we can. They’re more