The McRae Series 01 - Twelve Days Sam and Rachel

after Christmas..."
    "No," Rachel said.
    "I can't bear to separate them. If it weren't for that, I would never ask this of you. But I don't think I can look Zach and Emma in the eye and tell them they have to say good-bye to each other. I don't think I could tear them away from each other, and that's what I'd have to do. I'd have to physically tear them from each other's arms."
    "Don't do that," Rachel said. "Don't put that on me."
    "It's been hard for you. I understand. Life has been unfair to you and Sam. But you can't give up. You can't shut yourself up in this house and hide any longer either. It isn't healthy."
    "Don't tell me what I can and can't do, Miriam."
    "Now you listen to me. I didn't want to do it this way, but if that's what it takes, I will," Miriam said. "If you don't take these children, I will call your father and all three of your sisters and your brother, and I will tell them that I'm worried about you. That I think you might be seriously depressed and that you've been sitting here in this house all alone every day for the past few weeks. I will make sure they don't give you a minute's peace trying to save you from yourself."
    "You wouldn't."
    "Try me," Miriam dared.
    Rachel paused, considering the seriousness of the threat. Her family, hell-bent on saving anyone, was something to behold. They could make her life utterly miserable. Even worse were the other things Miriam had said.
    "You don't really think I'm depressed, do you?"
    "Not yet," Miriam said. "But I think it wouldn't take much. Sit here worrying and feeling sorry for yourself for a few more weeks, and you will be."
    Rachel stood there, scared and feeling trapped.
    "It's Christmas," Miriam said. "Give them a decent Christmas. Give me some time to find someone to take them all or to find their mother."
    "I can't."
    "It won't be like it was with Will. Don't let it be. Don't even think that someday these children might be free for you and Sam to adopt. Just take them into your home, take care of them for a few weeks."
    "I can't do that."
    "What if it was Will, Rachel? What if we need to place him in foster care again? If it weren't for people like you, I'd have no place to put him."
    "Will should be here already," she said. "He would have been safe here. We loved him, and we would have taken good care of him."
    "Then take care of these children instead. Do for them what you can't do for him anymore. Give them everything you wanted to give him."
    "It's not the same thing," Rachel argued.
    "It's exactly the same thing. They're every bit as lost as he was."
    "It's too hard, Miriam. It hurts too much to lose someone I love."
    "Then don't love them. Like these children a lot. Give them the best you can, temporarily."
    How could anyone take a lost child into her home and not love that child? Especially children who needed so desperately to be loved?
    "This is what they need, Rachel. This is what foster care is. It isn't perfect. I know that. But it's all these kids have right now. It's what's going to keep them safe and warm and well fed and not quite so lonely. You can do all that for them. Staying together means everything to them. Emma begged me to take them back to the hotel and leave them there. She's sure she can take care of them herself, as long as they can stay together."
    "I just can't."
    "No, you won't. Because you're scared and you're thinking of nobody but yourself."
    Rachel gasped, hurt. "Miriam?"
    "Life hasn't been fair to you, Rachel, and I'm sorry, but life isn't fair to anyone. Everyone gets hurt along the way—some more than others—but don't you dare think you're the only one." Miriam shook her finger under Rachel's nose. "Let me tell you something, you always had a safe, warm place to sleep at night and food in your belly and someone to take care of you when you were little. You had a whole lot of somebodies. Two parents and me and Aunt Jo and your grandparents and a whole host of other people. You still do. You've never been where these kids are now."
    Rachel was shocked and a bit ashamed.
    "I can't think of you right now," Miriam said. "I have to think about these kids. I'm all they have, and I'm going to make sure they're taken care of. That means their needs outweigh the fact that I know you and love you and hurt for you, for all the bad things that have happened to you. I know this will be difficult for you, but you have the time to take care of these kids, and I know you have the love."
    "But—"
    "I'll find out