The Never List

he was in the process of designing a research study about sleep disorders. I worked with him on his last published paper, ‘Insomnia and Aging.’
    “My own work is really not related to his at all, except you might say it developed in the direction it has because I’ve been trying to understand Jack Derber and others like him. I guess I sort of narrowly escaped something, and I want to understand exactly what that something was.”
    We sat in silence for a few moments after that, while I tried to think of something else to ask and she rubbed her brow, lost in thought. I was disappointed. I’d hoped his published work would be more revealing, that he’d left us a clue there without meaning to. But maybe this was another dead end.
    Just as I was beginning to feel hopeless again, she stood up and, with a quick glance out into the hall, closed her office door. She crossed her arms over her chest, almost defensively, I thought, and started talking, this time hesitantly, her back against the door.
    “Listen, what I told you before is not entirely true. I might know something helpful.” She paused. She seemed to be struggling with her next words. “Through some of my academic research, I found out something about Jack. This may seem a little strange, but I’m wondering, how much do you think you can take?”
    “What do you mean, ‘take’?” I was afraid of what she meant. Ididn’t like where this was going.
    “I mean, what kind of shape are you really in, and how badly do you want this? Because I do have one thought. I mean, if it will help keep him locked away. There’s a place I can show you.
    “You see, my research is very field-oriented, based on the observation of subjects in their natural environments. I’ve been conducting a longitudinal, ethnographically-oriented study at a particular location for several years. And I discovered, quite accidentally, that this place has a connection with Jack Derber from long ago. There are things … there are people … I don’t know … it’s a long shot. But I suspect, knowing what I know about Jack, you are only looking at long shots.”
    “True.” I was hopeful, despite my apprehensions.
    “It’s Thursday. Unfortunately, tonight would be the best night. Hope you don’t have plans—otherwise you’d have to wait a week.” She took out her BlackBerry, her thumbs flying fast on the keypad. “If I give you an address, can you meet me there at midnight tonight? It’s a little … out of the way. And, frankly”—she looked up at me from behind her thick lashes, studying me as she spoke—“it’s going to scare the shit out of you. It might remind you a little of your trauma. But on the plus side,” she said brightly, “therapeutically, that might not be the worst thing for you.”
    “What exactly is this place?” Whatever it was, I knew I wouldn’t like it. Plus, I didn’t go places at midnight. Period. Much less any place that had the potential to scare the shit out of me.
    “It’s a club, a very special kind of club. I’ve been studying the psychological influences and effects of this … particular subculture. He used to go there.”
    I breathed deeply. I could only imagine what sort of place Jack Derber would like. And what kind of subculture Adele would be studying, given her intellectual proclivities.
    “Okay. A special club. I get the gist. But that really doesn’t seemlike a good idea to me, therapeutically or otherwise.”
    She put her BlackBerry down, leaned over her desk, looked me straight in the eyes, and nodded. She spoke slowly, with her voice pitched a little higher than usual, as if to a child.
    “Okay, that’s completely fine. Maybe you are just not ready. I imagine it would be a hard place for you to go. I totally understand.”
    It might have been my imagination, but I was pretty sure her voice had a hint of challenge in it. She was a psychology professor, after all, maybe not on the clinical side, but close enough to know some tricks of the trade. These psych types, they knew how to push your buttons.
    My head started reeling. It was like hitting replay on some bad scene from my other life. Could I take a deeper cut, could I take more pain, could I save her? Jack’s face flashed in front of my eyes for just a second. Right now, even while he was locked up miles away, he was winning again. Once again I couldn’t take the pain, couldn’t take the fear. I turned to Adele, meeting her eyes, screwing up my courage even