The Science of Discworld Revised Edition

because in many ways the universe
is
depressing.
    The Discworld story has proved more robust than the science. As should be expected. Discworld makes so much more sense than Roundworld does.
    TP, IS, & JC, J ANUARY 2002
    1 In a manner of speaking. They happen because things obey the rules of the universe. A rock has no detectable opinion about gravity.
    2 It took three years for this sentence to sink in. When it did, we wrote
The Science of Discworld II: The Globe
.
    3 Like the denizens of any Roundworld university, they have unlimited time for research, unlimited funds and no worries about tenure. They are also by turns erratic, inventively malicious, resistant to new ideas until they’ve become old ideas, highly creative at odd moments and perpetually argumentative – in this respect they bear no relation to their Roundworld counterparts at
all
.

ONE
SPLITTING THE THAUM

    SOME QUESTIONS SHOULD not be asked. However, someone always does.
    ‘How does it work?’ said Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully, the Master of Unseen University.
    This was the kind of question that Ponder Stibbons hated almost as much as ‘How much will it cost?’ They were two of the hardest questions a researcher ever had to face. As the university’s
de facto
head of magical development, he especially tried to avoid questions of finance at all costs.
    ‘In quite a complex way,’ he ventured at last.
    ‘Ah.’
    ‘What
I’d
like to know,’ said the Senior Wrangler, ‘is when we’re going to get the squash court back.’
    ‘You never play, Senior Wrangler,’ said Ridcully, looking up at the towering black construction that now occupied the centre of the old university court. 1
    ‘I might want to one day. It’ll be damn hard with that thing in the way, that’s my point. We’ll have to completely rewrite the rules.’
    Outside, snow piled up against the high windows. This was turning out to be the longest winter in living memory – so long, in fact, that living memory itself was being shortened as some of the older citizens succumbed. The cold had penetrated even the thick and ancient walls of Unseen University itself, to the general concern and annoyance of the faculty. Wizards can put up with any amount of deprivation and discomfort, provided it is not happening to them.
    And so, at long last, Ponder Stibbons’s project had been authorized. He’d been waiting three years for it. His plea that splitting the thaum would push back the boundaries of human knowledge had fallen on deaf ears; the wizards considered that pushing back the boundaries of
anything
was akin to lifting up a very large, damp stone. His assertion that splitting the thaum might significantly increase the sum total of human happiness met with the rejoinder that everyone seemed pretty happy enough already.
    Finally he’d ventured that splitting the thaum would produce vast amounts of raw magic that could very easily be converted into cheap heat. That worked. The Faculty were lukewarm on the subject of knowledge for knowledge’s sake, but they were boiling hot on the subject of warm bedrooms.
    Now the other senior wizards wandered around the suddenly-cramped court, prodding the new thing. Their Archchancellor took out his pipe and absent-mindedly knocked out the ashes on its matt black side.
    ‘Um … please don’t do that, sir,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Why not?’
    ‘There might be … it might … there’s a chance that …’ Ponder stopped. ‘It will make the place untidy, sir,’ he said.
    ‘Ah. Good point. So it’s not that the whole thing might explode, then?’
    ‘Er … no, sir. Haha,’ said Ponder miserably. ‘It’d take a lot more than that, sir –’
    There was a
whack
as a squash ball ricocheted off the wall, rebounded off the casing, and knocked the Archchancellor’s pipe out of his mouth.
    ‘That was
you
, Dean,’ said Ridcully accusingly. ‘Honestly, you fellows haven’t taken any notice of this place in years and suddenly you all want to – Mr Stibbons? Mr Stibbons?’
    He nudged the small mound that was the hunched figure of the University ’s chief research wizard. Ponder Stibbons uncurled slightly and peered between his fingers.
    ‘I really think it might be a
good
idea if they stopped playing squash, sir,’ he whispered.
    ‘Me too. There’s nothing worse than a sweaty wizard. Stop it, you fellows. And gather round. Mr Stibbons is going to do his presentation.’ The Archchancellor gave Ponder Stibbons a rather sharp