The Science of Discworld Revised Edition

while the Dean can make enemies anywhere, I think that, ah,
Round
world would test even his powers,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Thank you, Archchancellor.’
    ‘Happy to oblige, Dean.’
    H EX ’s keyboard clattered. The quill pen began to write.
    It began:
    +++ I Don’t Think You Are Going To Believe This +++
    Thunderstorms tore the air apart, far out to sea.
    The air blinked. The storm was gone. The shoreline looked different.
    ‘Hey, what happened?’ said Rincewind.
    ‘Everything all right?’ said Ponder Stibbons in his ear.
    ‘What happened just then?’
    ‘We’ve moved you forward in time a little,’ said Ponder. The tone of his voice suggested that he dreaded being asked why.
    ‘Why?’ said Rincewind.
    ‘You’ll laugh when I tell you this …’
    ‘Oh, good. I like a laugh.’
    ‘H EX says he’s detecting life all round you. Can you see anything?’
    Rincewind looked around warily. The sea was sucking at the shore, which had a bit of sand on it now. Scum rolled in the waves.
    ‘No,’ he said.
    ‘Good. You see, there
can’t
be any life where you are,’ Ponder went on.
    ‘Where
am
I exactly?’
    ‘Er … a sort of magical world with no one in it but yourself.’
    ‘Oh, you mean the sort everyone lives in,’ said Rincewind bitterly. He glanced at the sea again, just in case.
    ‘But if you wouldn’t mind having a look …’ Ponder went on.
    ‘For this life that can’t possibly exist?’
    ‘Well, you are the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography.’
    ‘It’s the cruel and unusual geography that’s bothering me,’ said Rincewind. ‘Incidentally, have you looked at the sea lately? It’s blue.’
    ‘Well? The sea
is
blue.’
    ‘Really?’
    The omniscope was once again the centre of attention.
    ‘Everyone knows the sea is blue,’ said the Dean. ‘Ask anyone.’
    ‘That’s right,’ said Ridcully. ‘However, while everyone
knows
the sea is blue, what everyone usually sees is a sea that’s grey or dark green. Not
this
colour. This is virulent!’
    ‘I’d say turquoise,’ said the Senior Wrangler.
    ‘I used to have a shirt that colour,’ said the Bursar.
    ‘I thought it might be copper salts in the water,’ said Ponder Stibbons. ‘But it isn’t.’
    The Archchancellor picked up H EX ’s latest write-out. It read:
    +++ Out Of Cheese Error +++
    ‘Not helpful,’ he muttered.
    ‘Thank goodness he’s still operating the Project,’ said Ponder, joining him. ‘I think he’s got confused.’
    ‘It’s not his job to be confused,’ said Ridcully. ‘We don’t need a machine for being confused. We’re entirely capable of confusin’ ourselves . It is a human achievement, confusion, and right at this minute I feel I am winning a prize.
You
, Mister Stibbons, said there was no possibility of life turnin’ up inside the Project.’
    Ponder waved his hands frantically. ‘There’s no way that it can! Life isn’t like rocks and water. Life is special!’
    ‘The breath of gods, that sort of thing?’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Not gods as
such
, obviously, but –’
    ‘I suppose from the point of view of rocks, rocks are special,’ said Ridcully, still reading H EX ’s output.
    ‘No, sir. Rocks don’t have a point of view.’
    Rincewind lifted up a shard of rock, very carefully, ready to drop it immediately at the merest suggestion of tooth or claw.
    ‘This is silly,’ he said. ‘There’s nothing here.’
    ‘Nothing?’ said Ponder, inside the helmet.
    ‘Some of the rocks have got all kind of yuk on them, if that’s your idea of a good time.’
    ‘Yuk?’
    ‘You know … gunge.’
    ‘H EX seems to be suggesting now that whatever is showing up is, and is not, life,’ said Ponder, a man whose interest in slime was limited.
    ‘That’s very cheering.’
    ‘There seems to be a particular concentration not far from you … we’re just going to move you so that you can have a look at it …’
    Rincewind’s head swam. A moment later, the rest of his body wanted to join it. He was underwater.
    ‘Don’t worry,’ said Ponder, ‘because although you’re at a very great depth, the pressure can’t possibly hurt you.’
    ‘Good.’
    ‘And the boiling water should feel merely tepid.’
    ‘Fine.’
    ‘And the terrible upflow of poisonous minerals can’t harm you because of course you’re not really there.’
    ‘So, all in all, I’m laughing,’ said Rincewind gloomily, peering at the dim glow ahead of him.
    ‘It’s gods, definitely,’ said the