The Sense of an Ending

be there.
    I checked my watch. I was exactly on time. We looked at one another.
    ‘You’ve lost your hair,’ she said.
    ‘It happens. At least it shows I’m not an alcoholic.’
    ‘I didn’t say you were. We’ll sit on one of those benches.’
    She headed off without waiting for an answer. She was walking swiftly, and I would have had to run a few steps to get alongside her. I didn’t want to give her this pleasure, so followed a few paces behind to an empty bench facing the Thames. I couldn’t tell which way the tide was running, as a whippy crosswind stirred the water’s surface. Above, the sky was grey. There were few tourists; a rollerblader rattled past behind us.
    ‘Why do people think you’re an alcoholic?’
    ‘They don’t.’
    ‘Then why did you bring it up?’
    ‘I didn’t bring it up. You said I’d lost my hair. And it happens to be a fact that if you’re a very heavy drinker, something in the booze stops your hair falling out.’
    ‘Is that true?’
    ‘Well, can you think of a bald alcoholic?’
    ‘I’ve got better things to do with my time.’
    I glanced at her and thought: You haven’t changed, but I have. And yet, oddly, these conversational tactics made me almost nostalgic. Almost. At the same time, I thought: You look a bit whiskery. She was wearing a utilitarian tweed skirt and a rather shabby blue mackintosh; her hair, even allowing for the breeze off the river, seemed unkempt. It was the same length as forty years earlier, but heavily streaked with grey. Or rather, it was grey streaked with the original brown. Margaret used to say that women often made the mistake of keeping their hair in the style they adopted when they were at their most attractive. They hung on long after it became inappropriate, all because they were afraid of the big cut. This certainly seemed to be the case with Veronica. Or maybe she just didn’t care.
    ‘So?’ she said.
    ‘So?’ I repeated.
    ‘You asked to meet.’
    ‘Did I?’
    ‘You mean you didn’t?’
    ‘If you say I did, I must have.’
    ‘Well, is it yes or no?’ she asked, getting to her feet and standing, yes, impatiently.
    I deliberately didn’t react. I didn’t suggest she sit down, nor did I stand up myself. She could leave if she wanted – and she would, so there was no point trying to hold her back. She was gazing out over the water. She had three moles on the side of her neck – did I remember them or not ? Each, now, had a long whisker growing out of it, and the light caught these filaments of hair.
    Very well then, no small talk, no history, no nostalgia. To business.
    ‘Are you going to let me have Adrian’s diary?’
    ‘I can’t,’ she replied, without looking at me.
    ‘Why not?’
    ‘I burnt it.’
    First theft, then arson, I thought, with a spurt of anger. But I told myself to keep treating her like an insurance company. So, as neutrally as possible, I merely asked,
    ‘For what reason?’
    Her cheek twitched, but I couldn’t tell if it was a smile or a wince.
    ‘People shouldn’t read other people’s diaries.’
    ‘Your mother must have read it. And so must you, to decide which page to send me.’ No answer. Try another tack. ‘By the way, how did that sentence continue? You know the one: “So, for instance, if Tony …”?’
    A shrug and a frown. ‘People shouldn’t read other people’s diaries,’ she repeated. ‘But you can read this if you like.’
    She pulled an envelope from her raincoat pocket, handed it to me, turned, and walked off.
    When I got home, I checked through my sent emails and, of course, I’d never asked for a meeting. Well, not in so many words, anyway.
    I remembered my initial reaction to seeing the phrase ‘blood money’ on my screen. I’d said to myself: But nobody got killed. I’d just been thinking about Veronica and me. I hadn’t considered Adrian.
    Another thing I realised: there was a mistake, or a statistical anomaly, in Margaret’s theory of clear-edged versus mysterious women; or rather, in the second part of it, about men being attracted to either one sort or the other. I’d been attracted to both Veronica and Margaret.
    I remember a period in late adolescence when my mind would make itself drunk with images of adventurousness. This is how it will be when I grow up. I shall go there, do this, discover that, love her, and then her and her and her. I shall live as people in novels live and have lived. Which ones I was not sure, only that passion and