The Shuddering

himself back would undo his effort. It would render all that willpower invalid.
    “You said this may be a mistake,” she said. “What does that mean?”
    “It means it may be a mistake,” he said. “You’ve made those yourself.”
    Tears stung the backs of her eyes. She needed to tell him, confess that despite the heartache, she was glad she’d caught Alex cheating on her.
    I still love you.
    It screamed inside her head, knocking against the sides of her skull, fighting to break free. But she couldn’t tell him, not after what he’d confessed. There would be no breaking up the wedding, no last-minute confession, no running away into the sunset. Because now there was a baby, and a baby was the most important thing.
    “Do you regret it?” he asked. “Marrying Alex, sharing the time with him that you did; you loved him, didn’t you?”
    She swallowed against the lump in her throat, winced on the inside, getting his point. “I did,” she confessed. “Once.”
    “So you know where I’m at,” he said quietly. “You understand.”
    She laughed, tears finally spilling over her bottom lashes. She swiped at her cheeks, looking up to the ceiling, trying to squelch the sob that was trying to claw its way out of her chest.
    Sawyer leaned forward to catch her chin in a tender grasp, the pad of his thumb sliding across her cheek. Her nerves buzzed beneath his touch. “We learn from our mistakes,” he told her. “You’re stronger for what happened to you, and if this blows up in my face…” Sawyer’s expression twisted in apologetic uncertainty. “ C’est la vie. ”
    “But I want to protect you.” The words tumbled out of her before she could stop them, her entire body going rigid with the declaration. A mixture of shame and embarrassment crashed over her, threatening to suck the air out of the room. But before she could wilt with mortification, she was disarmed by Sawyer’s smile. His grin was wide, so effervescent and beautiful that it nearly broke her heart. It was the smile she remembered from so long ago, the very smile that had made her fall in love with him, the expression that had haunted her for so long. His eyes glinted with a look she’d longed to see for years—adoration, an overwhelming ebb of affection just for her.
    She nearly jumped when Oona barked outside. Could they already be back? Her gaze met Sawyer’s, and for a moment she felt like her world would crumble if she didn’t kiss him one last time. She could see it in his eyes—he knew what she wanted, knew what she was thinking. But instead of edging forward, instead of tilting his head just enough to let his mouth brush against hers, he gave her hand another squeeze and let it go.
    “I wanted to protect you too,” he admitted. “But you know what I wanted even more?”
    Jane shook her head, looking away.
    “I wanted you to live.”
    With those few carefully selected words, Jane was rendered speechless. And within her silence, she loved him more than ever.
    Trudging down the slope toward Sawyer’s crippled Jeep, Ryan still couldn’t believe Sawyer had done what he’d done. He’d be surprised if the Jeep’s axle wasn’t bent to hell, and the car was most certainly going to need a face-lift on the passenger side. Sawyer had never been a fan of conflict, so tipping the car the way he had had been a bold move; it had looked like an accident, but Ryan knew better. And while the answer to Sawyer’s problem had been an extreme one, Ryan couldn’t help but feel proud of his usually calm friend for letting go of all that pent-up aggression and allowing the moment to be what it had to be.
    With the weather being as cold as it was, Ryan assumed that April had crawled back into the car for warmth, but when he and Lauren peered through the windows the car was empty, which could only mean one thing: she was out there somewhere, nearly half an hour in the freezing cold in nothing but a pair of jeans, a stylish coat, and boots nowhere near appropriate for the snow.
    “Shit,” Ryan said.
    “How long has it been?” Lauren asked.
    “Long enough,” he said, sweeping the perimeter to see if April was just shy of the vehicle somewhere. She could have wandered off to go to the bathroom, or maybe she’d gotten bored and decided to take a walk before coming back. Only one thing was certain: up here, frostbite set in fast, and if April was suffering from it, he had no idea how they’d get her to a hospital.
    He froze when he heard