The Underside of Joy

then you hug me.
    I always loved that story, even though we never told anyone. You promised to keep my secret. But today, when I told Zelwig, he said, Joe covered up the part of you that was too difficult to look at.
    I hadn’t thought of it that way. I was so grateful that you looked at all and that you didn’t flee. I thought it was about complete acceptance. But maybe not. Maybe Dr Zelwig is right. Can you see how he might be?
    ∼Paige
    I didn’t want to read the rest of the letters, well aware that I was opening a Pandora’s box and could never go back. But I knew I had to read them for Annie and Zach. It was 3:25 a.m., but I called Lucy. She answered on the second ring. When I asked if she could come over, she said, ‘I’m there. Give me seven minutes.’ She didn’t even ask me why or point out what time it was. And when she got there, she let herself in and curled up on the couch with me and took the letters and started reading them, all without a word. When she had caught up, we read the next one together.
    October 21, 1996
    Dear Joe,
    Today was the best session so far. I actually think Dr Zelwig might be able to help me! He’s found a medication that doesn’t zone me out or make me want to drop dead. And there’s a name for this. Not Baby Blues, like Dr Blaine kept insisting. Most women have those. This is called Post Partum Depression.
    It’s triggered by childbirth. It can be hereditary and it can go on for years. Mine is a very severe case . . . But here’s the best news of all: I’m not my mother! Dr Zelwig doesn’t think I would have hurt Annie and Zach. Because there’s also a rarer form, a more elevated form, that is called Post Partum Psychosis. It only happens in a very small percentage of women.
    He says my mother was one of those women. Joe, she wasn’t a monster. She was just very, very sick. And medication and hospitalization could have helped even her. Had they known back then.
    Even today a lot of doctors aren’t aware of anything beyond the Baby Blues. Like Dr Blaine. But you know what? This has been around forever. Dr Zelwig gave me all this information I can send you if you want. But here’s an amazing quote, from a gynaecologist from the 11th century: ‘. . . if the womb is too moist, the brain is filled with water, and the moisture running over to the eyes, compels them to involuntarily shed tears.’
    I’ve been crying non-stop. Relief. Despair for my mom, for what didn’t need to happen to her or to me. And for the first time, Joe. HOPE!
    ∼Paige
    ‘Paige had hope? On October 21, 1996, Paige still had hope?’ I said, ‘I wonder what would have happened if Joe had opened the letters, if everything would be different now. If he would have sat me down and held both of my hands and told me Paige was coming back. To be with Annie and Zach. And Joe.’
    ‘El, Joe adored you. You breathed life back into him when you showed up here. And Annie. And Zach. Don’t bombard yourself with a bunch of what-ifs, my dear. That’s not going to help anyone.’
    We kept reading.
    December 15, 1996
    Joe,
    Still haven’t heard from you. Finally I called Lizzie. She says there’s someone new. Really, Joe? Just like that?
    Here is the photo of us we sent out last Christmas. Aunt Bernie brought it from her refrigerator. I’ve cut my face out. (The nurse had to watch me. We’re not allowed to use scissors without supervision. Just like Annie’s preschool.) Maybe you can glue in her face. Ella’s. Ella Bean?
    ∼Paige (your wife)
    ‘Ouch.’
    Lucy said, ‘Look, I don’t know what she expected of him. She told him to quit pining away and get on with his life. That’s what he did. Thank God he did. Open the next one. Here, give it to me. I’ll open the damn thing.’
    April 8, 1997
    Joe,
    Well, I finally hear from you and it comes in the form of a manila envelope and divorce documents. And a note that says, I know this is what you want. What makes you think you know anything?
    I know I signed and served you papers for a legal separation. I know I wrote and told you to move on. But I was confused. I’m sorry I said that. It’s not what I wanted then, certainly not what I want now. Haven’t you read any of my other letters?
    I don’t have it in me to fight right now. I’m concentrating all my efforts on getting well. I can’t handle a court battle yet. But someday I will.
    I can’t believe you’re doing this. Zelwig says it’s lack of information and fear.
    They’re