The World of Poo

across the floor, jumped on his bed and started licking his face. Grand-mama followed the puppy into the room and pulled up a chair to the bedside. ‘I thought you might be a bit lonely, so I brought you a friend.’

    ‘What’s his name?’ asked Geoffrey with delight.
    ‘Well, from the little puddle he’s just left outside your bedroom door while we were waiting to come in, I think I’d call him Widdler if I were you,’ said Grand-mama. ‘Like you he’s very young and misses his mother, so you’ll just have to look after each other. Now, would you like me to read you a story?’
    ‘Oh, yes please,’ said Geoffrey, as he settled down under the covers. But with Widdler curled up beside him he was happily asleep within minutes. Grand-mama blew out the candle and quietly slipped back down the stairs.
    1 The simplest form of privy is a hole in the ground. Mankind, being ingenious, especially where it leads to reducing discomfort, soon devised easier ways of aiming over a hole in the ground without coming directly into contact with the cold earth. The idea progressed to building small sheds with a nice comfy seat with a hole in it, or even two or three holes for convivial occasions. And thus the basic domestic privy was invented.
    In hot weather it was a rich olfactory experience, which enabled the user to find the place on a dark night and without a candle. In the circumstances, this was probably a good thing if it was a very old and ripe privy, because no one should be standing anywhere near it with a naked flame. In cold weather there was less impact on the nose but the nether parts could well be exposed to a chilly draught, and proceedings were often hasty and unsatisfactory.
    Sooner or later a hole in the ground, even if constructed carefully, would fill up. One solution was to move the privy and leave the hole behind. Eventually, the privy would have moved so far that a trip to the ‘Chapel of Easement’ might involve a walk of several miles and a packed lunch. The other option was to empty the privy. An intrepid band of craftsmen emerged; their sole job in life was to empty privies and dispose of their contents. These faecal heroes were known as night-soil men or gongfermors, and we shall meet them briefly later. They didn’t have many friends, except for those of the same occupation … However, they were well respected and as they walked down the street everyone would very quickly step out of their way and let them pass.
    2 The good citizens of Ankh-Morpork burn coal, wood, dried dung and, when no other alternative beckons, anything that can be persuaded to go up in flames. There are forges and foundries along with dye-works, tanneries and slaughterhouses. In fact every smelly occupation you could think of, and some that you wouldn’t like to think of. In addition, with so many animals passing through and with so many people staying put, the heavy sullen smell of poo, in all its varieties, is the main melody in which the other smells are merely the high notes.
    3 Actually, at the time young Geoffrey didn’t know it was a portico, but it was a portico all right and the fact that he didn’t know it was a portico didn’t stop it being one.
    4 Once you have one old shed somehow you always end up with another one, and after that anything can happen.
    5 The belief that a bird pooing on your head is good luck is common to many cultures. When you ask why, the ribald reply is often, ‘Well, it weren’t a cow.’ In fact birds were often perceived as messengers of the gods and their movements (both geographical and biological) as part of some divine plan. Needless to say only those endowed with arcane knowledge could understand the particular message in bird poo. However, it is believed that some Ephebian philosophers stood for hours under trees hoping for ‘a message’ – which they got, but invariably the message was that they should soon clean their jackets.
    Bird poo is one of nature’s special garnishes. A bird’s insides are cunningly designed to preserve fluid and the slimy green poo is iced with white solid wee, as every schoolboy knows, or did, back in the days when schoolboys knew such things.
    6 Sir Charles Lavatory is the president of the Guild of Plumbers and Dunnakin Divers in Ankh-Morpork. Geoffrey will make his acquaintance before too long.

A TRIP TO THE PARK AND A NEW FRIEND
    VERY EARLY THE next morning Geoffrey ventured back into the water closet. He sat on the seat with his