This Is Where I Leave You

rhythm.
    “Are you exercising?”
    “No, sweetie. We’re making love.”
    “Jesus, Hill,” my father said, trying to get her to cover up. 306“My head hurts.”
    “Okay. Go back to your bed. I’ll bring you some water and a drink in a little while.”
    “Can I come in bed with you?”
    Dad said, “Jesus Christ,” and pulled up their comforter, while Mom laughed the way she did sometimes at things I didn’t intend to be funny. Normally I didn’t mind - it felt good to make her laugh - but tonight I had a headache and I wasn’t in the mood. So I padded back down the hall to my bed and promptly blocked out the entire event, the way you do.

    11:50 a.m.
    You can see your parents have sex, you can see your wife in bed with your boss, and still, none of it packs quite the same surreal punch as seeing your mother kiss another woman. Wendy ushers out the shiva callers - “Thank you all for coming. We hope to see you again under happier circumstances” - while Phillip handles the stragglers and those who can’t quite take a hint somewhat less tactfully: “Okay there, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper. Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.”
    And then it is just us, Wendy, Phillip, Paul, Horry, Alice, Tracy, and me, sitting in the living room, coming to terms with the new reality. Paul opens the discussion. “What the fuck?”
    “You didn’t know?” Me.
    “What do you mean? You did?”
    “We had our suspicions.” Wendy.
    “So Mom’s a lesbian now? Cool.” Phillip.
    “Don’t trivialize it,” Tracy says. “That was actually a very moving thing to witness.”
    “She can’t be a lesbian,” Paul says. “She was married for forty years.”
    “Well, it’s a little late in life for her experimental phase, don’t you think?” Wendy.
    “I think they prefer the term ‘bisexual,’ ” Horry says. We all turn to look at him.
    “And you know this because ...?” Paul says. Horry shrugs, blushing slightly.
    “How long?” Wendy demands.
    “How Long is a Chinaman?” Phillip says, mechanically repeating an old childhood joke.
    “Run and play, Phillip, the adults are talking,” Wendy says. “How long, Horry?”
    “I don’t really know.”
    “Ballpark it.”
    “I think they should tell you themselves.”
    “Holy shit!” Paul says. “Mom is a lesbian.”
    “A bisexual.”
    “Whatever.”
    “Well, whatever, then,” Horry says. “Mine is too.”
    “I think it’s wonderful,” Alice says. “I mean, they’ve been best friends since forever. What a deep bond they must have.”
    “Jesus Christ, Alice! My father’s body is still warm!” Paul shakes his head. “Am I the only one who is having a problem with this?”
    “A problem is something to solve,” Phillip says. “If there’s no solution, it’s not a problem, so stop treating it like one.”
    We all turn to look at Phillip.
    “That actually almost makes sense,” Wendy says.
    “It’s something I learned from Tracy,” Phillip says. “Isn’t she something?” He leans forward to kiss her, and she turns away from his kiss.
    “What’s wrong, baby?”
    “Not here.”
    “I just complimented you. What are you getting all pissy about?”
    “I said not here.”
    “And I said, what are you getting all pissy about?”
    “This isn’t the appropriate time or place.”
    “My mother just stuck her tongue down her best friend’s throat in front of her children and half the neighborhood. In case you’ve missed it, we don’t really do appropriate here.”
    “I’m leaving,” Tracy says, getting to her feet.
    “Since when do you walk away from a discussion? You live for discussions. That’s all you ever want to do is discuss the shit out of everything.”
    She looks down at him and shakes her head slowly. “You are such an asshole.” Then she turns and heads back toward the den.
    “But I’m engaging here, honey!” he calls angrily after her. “I’m taking ownership of my feelings.” He watches her go, then shrugs and turns back to us. “Don’t ever date a shrink,” he grumbles. “It’ s like trying to read Chinese.”

Chapter 46
    1:45 p.m.
    Jen has checked out of the Marriott. I make the drive to Kingston in just over ninety minutes and pull into my driveway, like I have a thousand times before. Her white Jeep is parked, as usual, too close to the center, and I have to open my door gently against the stone retaining wall to squeeze out of mine.
    She comes to the door in her college boxers and an old