Unseen Academicals

bear should have only one eye, but as the result of a childhood error in Glenda’s sewing, he has three, and is more enlightened than the average bear.
    Juliet Stollop’s bed was marketed to her mother as fit for a princess, and is more or less like the Archchancellor’s bed, although almost all less, since it consists of some gauze curtains surrounding a very narrow, very cheap bed. Her mother is now dead. This can be inferred from the fact that when the bed collapsed under the weight of a growing girl, someone raised it up on beer crates. A mother would have made sure that at least they were, like everything else in the room, painted pink with little crowns on.
    Mr Nutt was seven years old before he found out that sleeping, for some people, involved a special piece of furniture.

    Now it was two o’clock in the morning. A cloying silence reigned along the ancient corridors and cloisters of Unseen University. There was silence in the Library; there was silence in the halls. There was so much silence you could hear it. Everywhere it went, it stuffed the ears with invisible fluff.
    Gloing!
    The tiny sound flew past, a moment of liquid gold in the stygian silence.
    Silence ruled again above stairs, until it was interrupted by the shuffling of the official thick-soled carpet slippers of Smeems, the Candle Knave, as he made his rounds throughout the long night from one candlestick to another, refilling them from his official basket. He was assisted tonight (although, to judge from his occasional grumbling, not assisted enough) by a dribbler.
    He was called the Candle Knave because that was how the post had been described in the university records when it was created, almost two thousand years before. Keeping the candlesticks, sconces and, not least, the candelabra of the university filled was a never-ending job. It was, in fact, the most important job in the place, in the mind of the Candle Knave. Oh, Smeems would admit under pressure that there were men in pointy hats around, but they came and went and mostly just got in the way. Unseen University was not rich in windows, and without the Candle Knave it would be in darkness within a day. That the wizards would simply step outside and from the teeming crowds hire another man capable of climbing ladders with pockets full of candles had never featured in his thoughts. He was irreplaceable, just like every other Candle Knave before him.
    And now, behind him, there was a clatter as the official folding stepladder unfolded.
    He spun around. ‘Hold the damn thing right!’ he hissed.
    ‘Sorry, master!’ said his temporary apprentice, trying to control the sliding, finger-crushing monster that every stepladder becomes at the first opportunity, and often without any opportunity at all.
    ‘And keep the noise down!’ Smeems bellowed. ‘Do you want to be a dribbler for the rest of your life?’
    ‘Actually, I quite like being a dribbler, sir—’
    ‘Ha! Want of ambition is the curse of the labouring class! Here, give me that thing!’
    The Candle Knave snatched at the ladder just as his luckless assistant closed it.
    ‘Sorry about that, sir…’
    ‘There’s always room for one more on the wick-dipping tank, you know,’ said Smeems, blowing on his knuckles.
    ‘Fair enough, sir.’
    The Candle Knave stared at the grey, round, guileless face. There was an unshakeably amiable look about it that was very disconcerting, especially when you knew what it was you were looking at. And he knew what it was, oh yes, but not what it was called.
    ‘What’s your name again? I can’t remember everybody’ s name.’
    ‘Nutt, Mister Smeems. With two t’s.’
    ‘Do you think the second one helps matters, Nutt?’
    ‘Not really, sir.’
    ‘Where is Trev? He should be on tonight.’
    ‘Been very ill, sir. Asked me to do it.’
    The Candle Knave grunted. ‘You have to look smart to work above stairs, Nutts!’
    ‘Nutt, sir. Sorry, sir. Was born not looking smart, sir.’
    ‘Well, at least there’s no one to see you now,’ Smeems conceded. ‘All right, follow me, and try to look less…well, just try not to look.’
    ‘Yes, master, but I think—’
    ‘You are not paid to think, young…man.’
    ‘Will try not to do so, master.’
    Two minutes later Smeems was standing in front of the Emperor, watched by a suitably amazed Nutt.
    A mountain of silvery-grey tallow almost filled the isolated junction of stone corridors. The flame of this candle, which could just be made