Unseen Academicals

Margolotta began.
    ‘I think all that needs to be said has been,’ said Nutt. ‘I will, we will, of course, visit you shortly when I have settled my affairs here and I look forward very much to doing so.’ He nodded to them and, with Glenda walking on air beside him, went back the way they had come.
    ‘Wasn’t that nice?’ said Vetinari. ‘Did you see that they held hands all the time?’
    At the doorway, Nutt turned round. ‘Oh, just one more thing. Thank you for not posting archers up in the gallery. That would have been so…embarrassing.’
    ‘I shall drink to your success, Margolotta,’ said Vetinari as their footsteps died away. ‘You know, I seriously intended to proposition Miss Sugarbean to be my cook.’ He sighed again. ‘Still, what is a pie to a happy ending?’

You think it’s all over?

The following morning Ponder Stibbons was at work in the High Energy Magic Building when Ridcully limped in. There was a glowing silver band around his knee. ‘Grapeshot’s Therapeutic Squeezer,’ he announced. ‘A simple little spell. I’ll be right as rain in no time. Mrs Whitlow wanted me to put a stocking on it, but I told her that I’m not interested in that sort of thing.’
    ‘I’m glad to see that you’re in such good spirits, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder, working his way down a long calculation.
    ‘Have you had a chance to see the papers yet this morning, Mister Stibbons?’
    ‘No, sir. What with the football business, I’m a little behind with my work.’
    ‘It may interest you to know that late last night a seventy-foot-high chicken broke out of what they are pleased to call the Higher Energy Magic Building at Brazeneck and is apparently rampaging through Pseudopolis while being pursued by most of the faculty, who, I assume, would be quite capable of terrorizing the city all by themselves. Henry has just had a frantic clacks and has had to rush off.’
    ‘Oh, that is very disturbing, sir.’
    ‘Yes, it is, isn’t it?’ said Ridcully. ‘Apparently it’s laying eggs very fast.’
    ‘Ah, that sounds like a quasi-expansion blit phenomenon adapting itself to a living organism,’ said Ponder. He turned the page, his pencil moving neatly across the column of figures.
    ‘The former Dean has egg all over his face,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Well, I’m sure that Professor Turnipseed will be able to bring things back under control,’ said Ponder. The tone of his voice was entirely unchanged.
    There was a busy little silence and Ridcully said, ‘How long do you think we should give him to get it under control?’
    ‘What size are the eggs?’
    ‘Eight or nine feet high, apparently,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘With calcium shells?’
    ‘Yes, quite thick, so I’m told.’
    Ponder looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. ‘Hmm, that’s not too bad, then. If you’d said steel it would have been rather worrying. It sounds very much like a blit devolution, possibly caused by…lack of experience.’
    ‘I thought you taught Mister Turnipseed everything you know,’ said Ridcully, looking happier than Ponder had seen him in a very long time.
    ‘Well, sir, perhaps there was something he didn’t quite grasp. Are people at risk?’
    ‘The wizards have told everyone to stay indoors.’
    ‘Well, sir, I think if I got some of my equipment together we could leave about teatime.’
    ‘I’ll come, too, of course,’ said Ridcully. He looked at Ponder. ‘And—’
    ‘What?’ said Ponder. He looked at Ridcully’s grin. ‘Yes, it might be a good idea if one of the gentlemen from the Times came along to take pictures. They might be very good for instructional purposes.’
    ‘An extremely good plan, Mister Stibbons, and I think we should take the senior faculty as well. They will lend some much-needed…’ He snapped his fingers. ‘What’s the word?’
    ‘Confusion,’ said Ponder.
    ‘No, not that,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Appetite?’ said Ponder. ‘Weight?’
    ‘Something like that…Ah, gravitas. Oh, yes, lots of gravitas. We aren’t the kind of fellows who run around chasing strange birds. I’ll see you after lunch. And now I have other matters to deal with.’
    ‘Yes, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder. ‘Oh, and, um…What about the proposed football match?’
    ‘ Regrettably , it appears that it will have to wait until they have rebuilt the university.’
    ‘That’s a shame, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder.
    He carried on with the calculation until the very last figures danced into