600 Hours of Edward

miss
Dragnet
.
    6:09…6:10…6:11…
    So what? A hotel room? That still brings up the
Dragnet
problem. A nice hotel, like the Crowne Plaza, might be willing to put a videocassette player in the room, but then I would have to make sure to bring my
Dragnet
tape along, not knowing whether I would actually need it.
    I think that would be awkward.
    Joy: “Hi, Edward. Why do you have your
Dragnet
tape?”
    Me: “Hi, Joy. I thought we might have sex, so I wanted to be ready. I can’t miss
Dragnet
.”
    Also, the Crowne Plaza is not the sort of place that would rent us a room for the sole purpose of having sex. The sort of place that would rent us a room for sex—and I don’t know how to find such a place—might not have a videocassette player to lend me. It would probably just want us to have sex and leave.
    6:12…6:13…6:14…
    It’s settled. We’re not having sex, even if Joy wants to. Even if I want to. There is just no way it can happen. I will have to apply the lessons I’ve learned from Dr. Buckley about saying no to this situation. I can say no to sex with Joy while still treating her with dignity and grace.
    I should practice this.
    “Sex? I’m ever so sorry, Joy, but it’s just not possible tonight. I do hope you understand.”
    “Under normal circumstances, Joy, I would love to have sex with you, but it’s simply not a good night tonight.”
    “I am appreciative of the offer, but I cannot. Perhaps I could take a rain check.”
    Yes, any of those will work.
    If she’s aggressive and grabs my wiener, though, I may have to come up with another plan. I have seen that sort of thing happen on late-night cable television, and I think it’s prudent that I be ready for it.
    – • –
    Here is something I did not know until today: Almost twenty minutes of thinking about nothing other than sex ruins you for sleep. I grab my pen and notebook and groggily record 5:57 a.m. in the space I have made for today, and my data is complete.
    – • –
    While I am eating corn flakes and waiting to hear the thump of the
Billings Herald-Gleaner
on the doorstep, I plot a plan for tonight—one that, as I have decided, does not include sex.
    I want to try to be romantic, but I have been reading some online-dating advice columns, and if there is a single piece of counsel that comes through consistently about first dates, it is this: Do not make grand gestures. A first date is about building a little bit of trust and rapport and walking away from it wanting to have a second date. Some of the columns I have read say no flowers on a first date. Others say that a single red rose is a nice touch. I would like to give Joy a single red rose.
    I have also decided, on my own, to burn a CD for Joy of some of my favorite songs, especially by R.E.M. and Matthew Sweet. I am not putting overt (I love the word “overt”) love songs on the CD. I do not want to come on too strong with Joy. I will tell her that the CD is just some of the music I like and that I hope she likes it, too. I will not be trying to send any kind of message with the CD.
    Finally, I will go to get my hair cut today. I have new clothes for my online date. A fresh haircut will complete the look.
    It’s a good plan, I think.
    At 6:33, the newspaper lands on the doorstep. I rinse out my bowl in the sink, cross the living room, open the door, and pick up the paper. The forecast is calling for a high of forty-seven, whichshould be enough to melt away this snow if it comes true—but I won’t know until tomorrow, as forecasts are notoriously off base.
    Inside, I write down the figures from yesterday, and my data is complete.
    – • –
    Mixing a CD for Joy is more difficult than I had imagined. The R.E.M. songs go pretty well, and I end up choosing ten from across their catalog of albums:
“Radio Free Europe,”
Murmur
“So. Central Rain,”
Reckoning
“Driver 8,”
Fables of the Reconstruction
“Begin the Begin,”
Lifes Rich Pageant
“Disturbance at the Heron House,”
Document
“World Leader Pretend,”
Green
“Half a World Away,”
Out of Time
“Find the River,”
Automatic for the People
“Electrolite,”
New Adventures in Hi-Fi
“Man-Sized Wreath,”
Accelerate
    I skip the albums
Monster
,
Up
,
Reveal
, and
Around the Sun
because, although I like some songs on each of those albums, they are not as good as the others. That’s my opinion. It’s not fact, although a lot of people agree with me.
    Finding ten Matthew Sweet songs is a harder chore.