600 Hours of Edward

if she’s seeing beyond my little living room on Clark Avenue. I sit quietly with her.
    – • –
    I had asked Donna and Kyle if they would like to stay and watch
Dragnet
, but Donna declined, as it’s a school night for Kyle. Maybe some other time, she said.
    Tonight’s episode is called “The Kidnapping.” It originally aired on January 26, 1967, and it is one of my favorites.
    In the episode, a woman who owns a line of boutiques has been taken captive at her home. One of her store managers, in town for an audit, is sent by the abductor to a bank to get the $75,000 in ransom. Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon are called in by the bank president, and once they determine that the store manager’s story is on the level, they get her the $75,000 and enlist her help in catching the bad guy. She agrees to help, even though she admits that she doesn’t really like her boss. Theabduction ends when Sergeant Joe Friday wrestles the bad man to the ground on a freeway on-ramp. The store manager—played by Peggy Webber, who appeared in eight
Dragnet
episodes—is freed from the trunk of the car.
    There are two lessons in this episode: First, Sergeant Joe Friday always gets his man. Second, don’t mess with a determined woman.
    – • –
    Dear Father,
    I had a memory today that made me both happy and sad. Do you remember our trip to Midland, Texas, in the new International Paystar 5000? Even though I now know that you were enduring a difficult time, I remember how happy you seemed to be, traveling with me and spending Thanksgiving with Grandpa Sid and Grandma Mabel and watching the Dallas Cowboys. Thinking of that made me happy.
    We never have that kind of fun now. Thinking of that made me sad.
    I hope we can have fun again sometime. I found out today that I still know how. Maybe you still know how, too.
    Your son,
    Edward

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24
    It’s an odd and embarrassing thought that stirs me from sleep:
    What if Joy wants to have sex with me tonight? This is not an eventuality I have planned for, and it seems so preposterous (I love the word “preposterous”) that I am inclined to just lie back down and return to sleep.
    And yet, I cannot. So I watch time peel off my digital clock in the darkness as I ponder this.
    5:57…5:58…5:59…
    I keep coming back to what Dr. Buckley said: “I hope that’s not on the agenda for your first date.” No, it’s not. We don’t have an agenda. We are meeting at the new wine bar downtown, the one on Broadway. Everything after that is uncertain—including, and especially, the question of whether we are having sex.
    6:00…6:01…6:02…
    I must make a confession: I have never had sex, at least not with another human being. I am thirty-nine years old, and so, yes, I have discovered self-satisfaction. There’s no need to be excessively descriptive or gross about it. I read Dear Abby every morning in the
Billings Herald-Gleaner
, and I remember her saying something years ago about self-satisfaction: Half of men do it, and the other half lie when they say they don’t do it. That’s whatDear Abby said, and that’s good enough for me. Dear Abby is a very logical woman.
    6:03…6:04…6:05…
    Since I’ve never had sex, you can probably understand why I am wigging out about it. (I love the slang phrase “wigging out.”) Setting aside the obvious questions—How does one arrive at the decision to have sex on a first date? Does one just say, “This is a delicious salad. I look forward to telling you more about it later, when we’re having sex”?—I am uncomfortable with the idea. It seems like an irresponsible thing to do.
    6:06…6:07…6:08…
    Let’s say for argument’s sake that we were to have sex. This is a hypothetical situation. Where does it happen? Do we drive all the way back to Broadview and have sex at her house? We cannot have sex at this house; that simply is not a possibility. Among other potential problems, my father would be apoplectic if he found out. If Joy and I drive all the way back to Broadview, how do we have sex and leave enough time for me to get back to Billings to see tonight’s episode of
Dragnet
? I don’t see how it would be possible. I couldn’t have sex with that kind of time pressure. I’m not sure I can have sex at all, seeing as how I never have had it. I’m simply saying that, even if the physical act of love were possible, I would not be able to concentrate on it knowing that I might