A Hat Full Of Sky

knowing that wherever you strike, you’re going to hit an enemy.
    The sun was going down and the shadows were moving and the turf was dying.
    Rob charged .
    Arrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    What happened during the Nac Mac Feegle’s search for the right smell was remembered by several witnesses (quite apart from all the owls and bats who were left spinning in the air by a broomstick being navigated by a bunch of screaming little blue men).
    One of them was Number 95, a ram owned by a not very imaginative farmer. But all he remembered was a sudden noise in the night and a draughty feeling on his back. That was about as exciting as it got for Number 95, so he went back to thinking about grass.
    Arrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    Then there was Mildred Pusher, age seven, who was the daughter of the shepherd who owned Number 95. One day, when she’d grown up and become a grandmother, she told her grandchildren about the night she came downstairs by candlelight for a drink of water and heard the noises under the sink….
    “And there were these little voices, you see, and one said, ‘Ach, Wullie, you canna drink that, look, it says “Poison!” on the bottle,’ and another voice said, ‘Aye, gonnagle, they put that on tae frighten a man from havin’ a wee drink,’ and the first voice said, ‘Wullie, it’s rat poison!’ and the second voice said, ‘That’s fine, then, ’cuz I’m no’ a rat!’ And then I opened the cupboard under the sink, and what do you think—it was full of fairies! And they looked at me and I looked at them and one of them said, ‘Hey, this is a dream you’re having, big wee girl!’ and immediately they all agreed! And the first one said, ‘So, in this dream ye’re having, big wee girl, you wouldna mind telling us where the turpentine is, wouldya?’ And so I told them it was outside in the barn, and he said, ‘Aye? Then we’re offski. But here’s a wee gift fra’ the fairies for a big wee girl who’s gonna go right back tae sleep!’ And then they were gone!”
    One of her grandchildren, who’d been listening with his mouth open, said, “What did they give you, Grandma?”
    “This!” Mildred held up a silver spoon. “And the strange thing is, it’s just like the ones my mother had, which vanished mysteriously from the drawer the very same night! I’ve kept it safe ever since!”
    This was admired by all. Then one of the grandchildren asked: “What were the fairies like , Grandma?”
    Grandma Mildred thought about this. “Not as pretty as you might expect,” she said at last. “But definitely more smelly. And just after they’d gone there was a sound like—”
    Arrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    People in The King’s Legs (the owner had noticed that there were lots of inns and pubs called The King’s Head or The King’s Arms, and spotted a gap in the market) looked up when they heard the noise outside.
    After a minute or two the door burst open.
    “Good night to ye, fellow bigjobs!” roared a figure in the doorway.
    The room fell horribly silent. Awkwardly, legs going in every direction, the scarecrow figure wove unsteadily toward the bar and grabbed it thankfully, hanging on as it sagged to its knees.
    “A big huge wee drop o’ yer finest whisky, me fine fellow barman fellow,” it said from somewhere under the hat.
    “It seems to me that you’ve already had enough to drink, friend,” said the barman, whose hand had crept to the cudgel he kept under the bar for special customers.
    “Who’re ye calling ‘friend,’ pal?” roared the figure, trying to pull itself up. “That’s fightin’ talk, that is! And I havena had enough to drink, pal, ’cuz if I have, why’ve I still got all this money, eh? Answer me that!”
    A hand sagged into a coat pocket, came out jerkily, and slammed down onto the top of the bar. Ancient gold coins rolled in every direction, and a couple of silver spoons dropped out of the sleeve.
    The silence of the bar became a lot deeper. Dozens of eyes watched the shiny discs as they spun off the bar and rolled across the floor.
    “An’ I want an ounce o’ Jolly Sailor baccy,” said the figure.
    “Why, certainly, sir,” said the barman, who had been brought up to be respectful to gold coins. He felt under the bar and his expression changed.
    “Oh. I’m sorry, sir, we’ve sold out. Very popular, Jolly Sailor. But we’ve got plenty of—”
    The figure had already turned around to face the rest of