A Man Named Dave

matter how much effort I applied, I would never be good enough. I couldn’t make my marriage work. I threw away a career with the air force so I could chase my tail trying to prove myself as a speaker, just to end up being labeled as a victim of abuse rather than a person with an inspirational message. And I had hurt the one true love of my life: Stephen. No matter what the future had in store for me, I could only pray my inadequacies would not come back to haunt my son.
     
    As the days passed, some were better than others. On rare nights, I’d be able to sleep for more than three hours at a time. I’d ration myself with a yogurt in the morning and a Cup-O-Soup with a piece of French bread in the evening for dinner –so I could save money for whenever I was with Stephen — and for the most part I was beginning to keep my food down. Although I had lost a great deal of weight, I kept telling myself things were getting better. Besides being with my son, I was prepared to live my life alone. The last thing I wanted was to screw up another person’s life, as I had with Patsy and Stephen.
    During the late fall of that year, while on the road, I checked in with Jerry. He told me that the International Junior Chamber of Commerce had selected me as one of the Ten Outstanding Young Persons of the World. Before I could relish the moment, Jerry dropped his voice to a whisper and informed me the firm was in serious trouble. Immediately I thought about the advances the firm had initially provided me, that by now I should have paid back in full. But for some time now, whenever I had checked with Jerry on my accounting or other matters involving specifics, he would become frustrated and at times fiercely upset. Just being out of the military and because I was still adapting to dealing with the civilian world, and due to Jerry’s position as the former vice president of the company, I always felt I was pushing too hard. All I could do was remain patient. But after months of promises, I still could not get answers to my questions, and whenever I’d probe, I felt belittled and I’d back down. As I had with Patsy before our separation, to spare myself any headaches I’d simply go along with things to avoid any confrontations. Before hanging up the phone, Jerry repeated his assurance for me not to worry and that he’d continue to stick his neck out for me.
    Later that day, after I spoke to Stephen about his day, I told Patsy of the good news. Lately on the phone and whenever I had seen her in person, she seemed like a new woman. She was holding down a job she loved and raved about things she wanted to accomplish. Her attitude was one of confidence and independence. Even though I knew she was seeing someone else, I never let on. After the years of being with me, I simply desired that Patsy be happy. I felt I had dragged her down all those years. Before I flew to Japan to accept the TOYP award, Patsy was kind enough to write, thanking me for all that I had done for her and restating her newfound happiness. Patsy had moved on with her life.
    I was on the road for over a week before arriving in Kobe, Japan, staying for just over twenty-four hours, then making several flights back and landing in Nebraska to drive several hours and speak at a school. Jerry had been insistent about my returning to Lincoln Saturday afternoon so that he could finally answer the concerns I had face to face. When I showed up at the high school, though, the principal was reluctant to have me speak to her students – I looked like I would faint from exhaustion. The principal also stated that she knew of my recent return from Japan, and she had told Jerry to have me come back to her school at another time. Jerry had joked with the principal, stating, “Don’t worry about David; he won’t mind.” The stress, multiple time-zone changes, and lack of sleep had caught up with me. Assuring the principal that I wouldn’t let her down, I stayed the entire day with the students and later made the four-hour drive back to Lincoln. After falling asleep behind the wheel and nearly crashing the car, I pulled over at a rest stop to catch a nap. Late that Friday evening I finally checked into a hotel, collapsing on top of the bed with my clothes still on. Before passing out, I felt a sense of pride – as tired as I was, I gave it my best and hopefully made an impact. Thinking about the day to come, I felt everything would fall into place.
    Early the next morning, Carl, the senior