Always Watching

about Aaron’s plans. I told the police the same thing. And I sure as heck don’t know where Joseph is now.”
    He was angry, which could be an attempt to cover his guilt, but I suspected he was telling the truth. About this anyway.
    “You do know about something that happened in the barn at the old site, though, don’t you?”
    “Oh yeah, like what?” His tone was casual, but he’d started to tap one of his pens again. A nervous tic he wasn’t even aware he had.
    “Aaron forced me into a barrel and buried me. To torture me.”
    Levi dropped the pen onto his desk. It rolled off. Neither of us moved to pick it up.
    I said, “I was terrified, so terrified I’d blocked it out for years. But when I was at Mary’s, I remembered. And I remembered something else too.”
    He rolled his chair back, leaned on the windowsill, trying to look calm and nonchalant, but his hands were tense as they gripped the arms. “What’s that?”
    “There was someone else in the barn that day at the commune. I saw a shadow pass by the door. It was you. You scared the birds.”
    When Robbie had said how Levi got his scar, it had all come clear. I’d just assumed it had been the birds that blocked the light for a moment, but now I realized it was Levi—he hadn’t wanted to be caught with the marijuana.
    Now I expected more anger, defensiveness, and denial from Levi, anything but what I got. He brought his chair down hard, his eyes filling with tears. Then a nod, and another. His body saying, There, yes, I did it. It’s out now.
    He said, “I was in the loft, and I saw what Aaron was doing to you down in the field—then you running to the barn. I wanted to help, but I was scared of what Aaron would do if he found out I’d been stealing some of the pot.”
    The thought of him watching and listening to me scream for help, but just biding his time so he could sneak out of the barn, made me want to reach across the table and slap him, but I was so furious I couldn’t move.
    “So you just left me there?”
    “I waited outside until Aaron left, and then you walked out, so I thought you were okay. I thought you’d tell people after, like your mom or something.”
    He paused, looking at me expectantly. Was he actually trying to justify his actions by blaming me? I waited him out in silence.
    “I’m really sorry,” Levi said. “I’ve felt bad about it for years.”
    He felt bad about it? He watched a man attack me, then carry me into a room, where he nearly killed me, something so traumatic that I’d blocked my memories for decades, and he felt bad. Another wave of rage made me clench my hands.
    He shrugged. “You didn’t say anything about it to anyone, so I figured maybe you didn’t want anyone to know.”
    What else had he kept to himself all these years? Then I remembered what Steve had said, that Levi had seen a woman with Finn, and a dark feeling unfurled in my stomach. I didn’t want to be there anymore, didn’t want to hear what Levi had to say, but I couldn’t stop the words. “Why did you retract your statement to the police after Finn died? You told them you saw a woman.”
    “Your mother, she was dancing with Finn, and she took him into the woods.…”
    I could see it now, remembering how she loved the little children, making daisy chains for their hair, then picking them up and singing as she twirled them around. I imagined her wandering off, in one of her foggy states, stoned out of her mind, showing the small boy a path and forgetting that she’d set him down.
    Levi was still talking. “She never came back with him. I told the cops when they were questioning everyone. Aaron pulled me aside, told me I had to keep it to myself.” He added, “Robbie knew—I told him at the commune.”
    Another piece of the puzzle snapped into place: Robbie’s real reason for distancing himself from Levi, why he hadn’t turned him in after the fight.
    How did I ever think Levi fun and affable? Now I saw him for what he really was. An insecure kid who snuck around and stole drugs.
    Robbie was right. Levi was a coward.
    I turned and started to walk away.
    He said, “Where are you going?” Sounding scared, like he wanted to keep the conversation going. “I’m sorry. I know I should’ve done more.”
    I didn’t answer, just kept walking.

 
    CHAPTER FORTY
    After I talked to Levi, I still felt uneasy, like I was missing something. I didn’t know if Mary had any answers either, but I couldn’t leave Shawnigan