Always Watching

look at my life differently, made me question everything. Like the fact that I’d never been comfortable alone with a strange man and how long it took me to trust someone. Paul and I had worked together for a year before we started dating—our friendship had turned to love one night when we both snuck in to check on a dog who’d just had surgery. We’d ended up staying at the clinic for hours, talking in the quiet, our hands accidentally touching as we patted the soft fur of the sleeping animal. Even then, it took a while before I was willing to be intimate with Paul.
    Was I just a person who liked to take her time? Or was it a symptom of the abuse? Everything that I had taken for granted, my reactions, my dislikes, things that I had just accepted as quirks of my personality were all a question mark now.
    *   *   *
    At lunch, I grabbed some soup in the cafeteria and was just setting it on a table when I noticed Kevin in line with his tray. He was looking around for a seat in the busy room. I caught his eye and motioned to the chair in front of me.
    He sat down with a smile. “So this is where you’ve been hiding.”
    “From the big bad wolf?”
    “I think I might be treating him.” We both laughed, and he said, “So how’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around much.”
    “I’ve been busy, looking into some things happening at River of Life.”
    “Yeah? Like what?”
    I hadn’t planned on telling him—or anyone at the hospital—what was happening in my personal life, but he seemed genuinely interested, and he’d been very helpful before. I shared what I’d been going through since I’d first met Heather, still leaving out big portions, like about my brother and Lisa. I also said that I’d been having flashbacks of being abused by Aaron and was concerned that there might be more victims, using my clinical voice, trying to detach from the emotions of the words.
    While I spoke, he mostly just listened, only occasionally paraphrasing something I’d said, asking if he’d understood correctly. At the end, he sat back and took a swig of coffee, his eyes warm and compassionate.
    His face was serious as he said, “Do you think you should be digging into this by yourself? It might be better if you leave it to the police from now on.”
    I thought about what he’d said. “It’s certainly the easier approach, but I’m concerned that the case will be dropped. And then Aaron will keep on abusing girls. The police don’t really have the time to do this kind of legwork. If I find enough evidence that something’s not right, then I can push them harder.”
    “Do you think this could be dangerous, though?”
    “Not at the moment…” I told him what I’d also told Mary, that Aaron wouldn’t want to draw negative attention. But while I spoke, I thought again about the green truck, the feeling of being watched, and wondered if Aaron did have someone keeping an eye on me. I decided to keep that possibility to myself.
    When I was finished speaking, Kevin nodded in agreement. “Yes, that makes sense.” He paused, thinking as he chewed a bite of his sandwich, his eyes narrowed. “The members I met from the center seemed decent—I’m sure they have no idea about Aaron’s sexual abuse or his brother’s history of violence.”
    “That’s my thought too, that there’s the center—and then there’s Aaron.”
    He nodded again. “Still, it might be a good idea to be careful who you talk to and what you say.”
    He was right. I needed to be more careful, especially if Aaron was watching me, but I couldn’t stop now, not when I was finally getting somewhere.
    “I will. Thanks.”
    We talked for a while about a program he was starting for young men who have lost their jobs, something he connected with because of his own experience as a youth, and how he found relating to them to be the first step in gaining their trust. We also spoke about my patient, Brandon. I found his project interesting and a good diversion from thinking about the commune. We’d been talking for so long that I was startled when I glanced at my watch and realized my lunch hour was over, a thought that was followed with disappointment.
    “Shoot. I should get back to work.” I stood up, grabbed my empty tray with one hand. “Thanks for keeping me company.”
    Kevin also looked disappointed, which made me happy for some inexplicable reason. He said, “Sure. If you ever need an ear—you know where to find