Among Others

anyone. Daniel could come. It’s not all that far, and he knows I’m here. I don’t expect they’ll let him though.
    I won’t be able to meet Wim tomorrow and he’ll think I didn’t show because I have heard bad things about him.
    A woman at the end of the ward has started to scream, short staccato cutoff screams. They’re putting screens around her bed so the rest of us can’t see what they’re doing to her. This is definitely much worse than the way most people describe hell.

S ATURDAY 12 TH J ANUARY 1980
    Still on the rack.
    Miss Carroll came in towards the end of visiting time last night with a pile of light paperbacks. They’re from the school library and therefore not ordinarily terribly exciting, but right now they seemed like manna. She couldn’t stay long. Nobody told her I was here, but when she hadn’t seen me she went to find out what had happened. She came as soon as she knew. I almost cried when she told me that. I had no idea how hard it is to blow my nose in this position. She promised to tell Greg where I was, and he can tell Wim and the others. She’s coming back tonight with more books.
    Dear God, if you are there and care and can bless people, please bless Alison Carroll with your very best blessing.
    She brought me three books by Piers Anthony, the first books in two different series. I think she chose them because they’re at the beginning of the alphabet and she was in a hurry. I hadn’t read them, because, frankly, they looked like crap. I’m beyond the stage of reading the whole library in alphabetical order, though I’m glad to have done it once. I’m enjoying these anyway. So far I’ve read Vicinity Cluster , and Chaining the Lady , and I’m about to start A Spell for Chameleon which is fantasy. I was right, they are crap really, but they hold my attention and don’t require all my brain, which when half of my brain is sending me messages like “Ow, Ow, Ow” or “Remove leg from rack soonest,” is actually an advantage. I had weird “hosts” universe dreams last night, about transferring into alien bodies. All of them had bad legs, though; even when I was in a ballerina’s body she had to dance with a walking stick. I suppose that was the pain coming through even when I was asleep. Last night I read myself to sleep and then they woke me up to give me a sleeping pill.
    S UNDAY 13 TH J ANUARY 1980
    Miss Carroll came back last night with more books and a bunch of grapes, and Greg came this afternoon, bringing Janine and Pete, and more books. Also, while they were here and we were talking about Piers Anthony, who Pete likes, and Greg compared to Chaucer (!), Daniel turned up. I didn’t notice him at first, because I wasn’t obsessively looking over at the door at other people’s visitors because I had three of my own for a change. He came sidling up to the bed looking embarrassed. I could see that he wasn’t sure if he should kiss me or not, and in the end he didn’t. He had also brought books, and a big card from his sisters, and more grapes, little red ones. I don’t know why people bring grapes. Are they supposed to be specially healing? Janine brought a Mars Bar, which was rather more welcome, though messy to eat. The food in here is just beyond horrible.
    At first, conversation was awkward. I introduced Daniel to the others, and it was clear nobody knew what to say. Greg even said that maybe they ought to go. Then, fortunately, Daniel said he’d brought my Sign of the Unicorn , and it was a case of deciding who got it first, and we all talked about books until the end of visiting time when the nurse rang the bell and everyone all had to go. I didn’t ask Daniel if he was able to wait for another hour at visiting time tonight, but he evidently didn’t as it has come and gone with no more sign of him. Still, it was very nice of him to spare me his Sunday afternoon.
    The books Greg brought are all my this week’s ILL arrivals, which he stamped out to me in my absence without my cards. He was joking that this was a standard library service, but of course it isn’t. Unfortunately, they’re all hardcovers and terribly difficult to read at this angle. I can hold a paperback above my head sideways in one hand, but not a hardback. I have Mary Renault’s Return to Night and I can’t even read it. Still, just looking at the spine on my table is something.
    A week would be until Wednesday. That would be three more days of agony and hell.
    A nurse comes round