Apocalypsis 01 - Kahayatle

on the front of it and a flag on the back - riding as hard and as fast as he could up the highway towards us.
    He pulled up all red-faced and smiling.   “Hi, guyss.   Vhat’ss up?”
    I shook my head slowly, laughing.   “What in the hell are you riding?”
    “It’s a bike.   What doess it look like?   See?   It even hass a fleg.”
    “It’s a flag, goof, not a fleg.”
    “Dat’s what I said.   Da bike hass a fleg.   Anyway, it’s not a problem.   I found it so I can ride with you and not slow you down.   Isn’t that a faboolus idea?”   He smiled at both of us, back and forth, nodding his head in apparent agreement with himself.   “Oh, und, it hass a basket on da front for da little doggy.”   He looked down at Buster and nodded some more.   “Do you want to ride in da little basket, little doggy?”
    Buster looked at him and then at me, crouching lower on his Hello Kitty backpack.
    “I think he wants to stay with me,” I said, kind of hoping Bodo’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt, being rejected by a naked poodle.   He seemed to be trying really hard.
    “Well, dat’s perfect, becauss I got dis bike really for you.   See?   It hass a big seat on it.   It’s made for people with bigger rear ends dan men.”   He had moved his butt off the seat and was pointing to it.  
    Now I could care less whether Buster had hurt his feelings.   “Are you saying I have a fat ass?”
    “A fat ass?”   Bodo looked confused for a second and then shocked. “Oh, no, dat’s not at all what I am saying.   No, your butt isn’t big.   Actually, I do not know if your butt is big or not, I haven’t looked.   But da rest of you is quite small, so I expect your butt is too.”
    Peter was laughing so hard he was bent over holding his stomach.
    “Stop laughing, you idiot,” I said.
    “Oh, God,” he moaned, giggling in between words, “I can’t help it.   It’s so funny.   He got you a big butt bike!”
    “No, Peter, don’t say dat,” chided Bodo.   “I just got dis kind of seat because it’s good for girls.   And da basket is for her little doggy.”   He looked at me with a sad frown on his face.   “I will ride dis bike.   It is okay for me.   It is not a problem at all.   I am sorry about your butt.”
    That sent Peter off into more gales of laughter.
    “Don’t apologize for my ass, Bodo.   My ass is just fine, thank you very much.”   I hated to admit it at this point, but that seat did look a heck of a lot more comfortable than my current seat did.   And my butt was sore from riding on the small, hard surface for so many hours the day before.  
    “Okay.   I’m ssorry.   My English is not good.   I offended you and dat is my mistake.”
    “No,” I waved him off, “it’s fine.   Really.   I see what you were trying to do and I appreciate it. But before we go any farther, we need to get that flag off of there.   You’re alerting every canner within a one-mile radius that we’re coming.”
    “Yes, I liked the fleg, but I can see how it might be a problem.”
    Peter giggled some more, but went over to the trailer to get the tools.   “What do we need?” he asked me.
    I went over to take a look, bending down to see what type of screw or nut was holding the flag in place.   That was when I felt Bodo’s hand grab the back of my neck.
    In two seconds flat, I had spun around, grabbed Bodo’s hand, wrenched it from my neck and pulled him off the bike.  
    The bike clattered to the ground and Bodo went tumbling after it, his hand now bent at an extreme angle and in danger of being snapped by me as I stood over him, legs spread apart, ready to smash his face in with my foot at any second.   I was pissed, but he just laughed.
    “Dat was amaszing!   Did you see dat, Peter?   She iss a lethal weapon.   It wass like a movie or somesing.”   Then he got a frown on his face.   “Actually, dat kind of hurts right now.”
    I was sweating and my heart was pounding a thousand beats a minute.   “What the hell was that all about?” I demanded.
    “Nothing.   I was chust testing your reflexes.   Dey’re pretty good, by da way.”
    I shook my head and looked over at Peter.   “Did you see what he did?”
    “No, but I saw what you did.   Impressive.”   He was nodding his head in appreciation.
    “He grabbed me by the back of the neck!”   I was still pissed.   I couldn’t tell if the guy was just messing with me or if he’d really tried to