Baby Be Mine

 
  Chapter 1  
    ‘Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Barney,
Happy birthday to you.’
    I’m singing this very quietly so as not to wake him. He’s had a busy day with his nanny, grandad and me, and now he’s crashed out in his cot. He’s going to grow out of it soon. I can’t believe my baby has just turned one. It’s frightening how time flies.
    Bit of a bummer that his daddy wasn’t here today. I say that flippantly, but inside I’m not happy. Not happy at all. Then, suddenly, I’m fine again. It’s the guilt. It balances out the anger. I can’t stay cross with Christian for long. That word: ‘Daddy’. It’s a lie. I’m a liar. And I hate myself for it.
    I can hear my parents clattering away in the bathroom next door. They’ll be in bed soon, and then I’ll have the living room to myself. I’m getting the urge again. My head is prickling with the thought of it. It will be the first time I’ve done it in six months. The last time was when Christian and I had a big fight. That was before I knew. Before I knew for sure. But I’d suspected it for a long time.
    Oh, Christian . . . What have I done?
    One year and nine months ago, I had sex with my boyfriend’s best friend. It sounds horrendous when you say it like that. Don’t get me wrong, it is horrendous. But there was a history there. I was in love with Johnny. I was in love with him first.
    I look back once more to my sleeping baby, who is no longer a baby. I lean over his cot and kiss him softly on his forehead as tears fill my eyes.
    I’m so sorry, my darling. I don’t know what to do.
    If I told Christian now and he threw us out, as of course he would, how would my son be affected? Would he remember the person who was his father for the first year of his life? Christian is away such a lot at the moment that we’re almost getting used to life without him. Maybe it wouldn’t be such an upheaval. Maybe it would be okay. Oh, who am I kidding?
    I think my parents have finally retired to bed. I get up and quietly walk out of my bedroom into the living room. My laptop screen is dark, the screensaver having switched itself off hours ago. I take a seat on the sofa and pull the computer onto my lap. My head is prickling again. I shouldn’t be doing this.
    ‘I thought you were in bed?’
    I almost jump out of my skin at the sound of my mum’s voice.
    ‘You frightened me!’
    ‘Sorry, I wanted a glass of water.’
    I quickly push down the laptop lid and put the computer back on the side-table, the urge momentarily quashed. ‘I was just checking my emails,’ I lie as I get up and join my mum in the kitchen.
    ‘Can’t you do that in the morning?’ she asks, pulling a bottle of water out of the fridge. ‘You’ve had a busy day,’ she adds.
    ‘I know, I know,’ I brush her off, not enjoying being told what to do, especially now that I’m a responsible parent myself. Allegedly.
    ‘Have you spoken to Christian?’ she asks as she decants water into a tumbler.
    ‘No, I haven’t called him back yet,’ I admit.
    ‘Don’t you think you should? I’m sure he’d like to know about Barney’s birthday.’
    I bite my tongue and take the bottle from her, pouring a drink for myself. ‘I will,’ I reply shortly.
    ‘Good,’ she says annoyingly.
    I follow her out of the kitchen and switch off all the lights, taking one last look at my laptop sitting silently on the side-table in the living room.
    You’ll keep . . .
    I follow my mum down the corridor to the bedrooms. She and Dad are sleeping in Barney’s room to the left of the bathroom, while he and his cot have been temporarily relocated into my bedroom on the right.
    ‘Night, night.’ Mum turns back to give me a peck on the cheek.
    ‘Night,’ I reply, and go into my bedroom.
    I shut the door and take a deep breath before exhaling as quietly as I can. My iPhone is charging on my bedside table. I see that there’s another message from Christian:
    Boarding now. Will ring when I land
    I feel bad. I should have called him earlier. I’m surprised to discover I’m looking forward to seeing him.
    Why am I surprised? He’s my boyfriend. I love him.
    I know why: it’s the guilt. It’s poisonous. And deep down I know that it’s going to be the death of our little family.

 
  Chapter 2  
    ‘Hello, there!’
    I hear Mum’s cheerful voice echoing through the walls. I’m in the bathroom and, from the sounds of it, my dad has just arrived home