Baby Be Mine

touch my arm, but I snatch it away.
    ‘Get off!’ I all but shout, shocking myself at how out of control I feel. I glance quickly at Barney, but he doesn’t stir.
    ‘He’s Johnny’s, isn’t he?’ Bess whispers, and I can hear her perfectly, even with music playing in the background. ‘He looks just like him.’
    I meet her eyes and then I crumble. A lump comes out of nowhere to lodge itself in my throat and the tears come. Bess touches my arm again, but I pull it away, not so violently this time.
    ‘You know you can trust me,’ she says.
    I didn’t think I could trust anyone with this, but it’s all going wrong. It’s going the way I thought it would, but still I hoped that I could get away with it.
    Bess regards me with sadness. ‘Have you always known?’
    I shake my head and whisper, ‘No.’
    ‘What happened?’
    I take a deep breath. Then I take another one. Soon I’m able to speak, but it’s not without difficulty. ‘It was when Johnny came back to try to convince me to go to LA with him. He wanted me to leave Christian. I refused.’ I look at her and she nods, urging me to go on. ‘I didn’t have the will to stop when he started to kiss me. He has . . . a hold over me. I feel drugged when I’m around him. At least, I used to.’
    ‘I know.’ She takes my hand and squeezes it.
    ‘I used to torment myself,’ I say, now a little manically. ‘My pregnancy . . . I used to torment myself with ludicrous scenarios, like what if Christian and I had more children and one of them needed a bone-marrow transplant in the future. Siblings are the most likely candidates for a good match, but what if the doctors discovered that they were only half-siblings? And what if my son or daughter died as a result of my mistake?’
    There’s pity in Bess’s eyes as I continue to ramble.
    ‘Or what if we couldn’t have any more children and Christian found out he was infertile and always had been? I literally drove myself nuts contemplating it all. But I thought Barney could have been Christian’s. I tried to convince myself. Christian is a good dad.’
    The lump gets bigger.
    ‘Does he know?’ Bess asks the question for the second time.
    ‘No. And you can’t tell him,’ I say fervently. ‘You can’t ever, ever tell him.’
    ‘Meg . . .’
    ‘No, Bess, no.’
    ‘He’ll find out. How can he not?’
    I start to feel slightly hysterical. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know why he hasn’t realised already. I don’t know what to do.’
    ‘You have to tell him.’
    ‘How can I do that? It would destroy him!’
    ‘He needs to know the truth.’
    ‘Why? What good will the truth do any of us? Barney is used to having Christian as his daddy; he’s used to him! Christian loves Barney. And you know what Johnny’s like – what sort of a father would he make?’
    Bess shakes her head, sadly. ‘It’s not about Johnny and Christian. I mean, of course it is, but you have to think of Barney.’
    ‘I do think of Barney!’ I cry, as sobs well up inside me. ‘I think of him every minute of every day!’
    ‘I know you do. You’re a great mum. But this is not about him now; it’s about him in the future. He won’t remember this time when he’s older. Sad as it is, he won’t remember that Christian was his dad.’
    I brush away at my tears, but they keep falling.
    Bess continues, ‘You have to sort this out before he’s old enough to remember. It’s the kindest thing to do. I’m sorry.’
    I nod, through blurry eyes. ‘I know. I know you’re right,’ I choke out.
    ‘You have to tell him soon. You have to promise me you’ll tell him soon.’
    Abruptly, my tears stop. I stare ahead in subdued silence.
    The next day, I can’t look at Bess. She takes Barney down to breakfast while I lie on the bed and stare into space. Eventually I get up and pack our things. I try to put on a brave face when they return, but it’s hard.
    I drive Bess to the airport. We don’t speak in the car, apart from Bess pointing out things to Barney. I pull up in front of Departures and turn to her. I still can’t look her in the eyes. She leans across and hugs me tightly, but I barely have the strength to return it.
    ‘You’ll be okay,’ she whispers into my hair. ‘It will all be okay. These things happen for a reason.’
    I pull away, trying to stay strong.
    ‘Bye, Barney,’ she says to my little boy, strapped into his car seat in the back. ‘He’s beautiful, Meg,’ she says to me sincerely. ‘You’re