Balance

his life, but he hoped Nando would reveal a few things about himself if he did. “We were each other’s first, but then he found out he was HIV positive.
    I guess he was afraid to tell me he’d been unfaithful to me.”
    “Not to mention he was going to die anyway.”
    “That too,” Cooper admitted. It had been a long time since Cooper had thought about it.

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    “How did you recover from that?” Nando’s voice was so low that if it hadn’t been silent in the room at the time, Cooper would not have been able to understand him.
    Cooper turned toward Nando but kept his distance. He rested his head on his hand. “Wasn’t easy. I loved him. We’d been together for six years, and we were in college at the time. Losing someone that way is pretty devastating.”
    “You’re clean?”
    Cooper shrugged. “I showered.” Nando’s only reaction was to give Cooper a questionable look. “Even ‘positive’
    people are ‘clean’, Nando.” He knew he sounded condescending, so he decided to answer the question Nando was really asking. “I went through a few harrowing months, I admit. We were a couple, so we didn’t use condoms.” Nando nodded his understanding. “And then you met someone else, and you loved him too?” Cooper nodded. Although Nando wasn’t looking directly at him, Cooper was sure he understood the gesture. Nando was still on his back, staring up again. Then it dawned on Cooper.
    “Did you lose someone, Nando?”
    Nando turned away from him, giving Cooper his answer.
    Cooper moved closer and put his arms around the smaller man. Nando fought him, but Cooper didn’t give up until he relented.
    “Sssh it’s okay. It’s okay to hurt, and it’s okay to cry.” Nando shook his head.

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    “Yes, it is. And it’s okay to talk about it too. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to someone you’re close to.”
    Nando shook his head again, but he started talking anyway. “I never knew why he did it. We’d made love, and he got out of bed. I fell asleep again and then woke up when I heard something fall upstairs. I figured he was up in the attic or something. I’d had a late night, and I turned around and buried my head under my pillow so I wouldn’t hear it anymore. I found him four hours later, hanging from a rope.”
    “Oh Nando,” Cooper said, unable to find words that could soothe him. Instead, he pulled him tighter into his embrace, and this time Nando let him. Cooper kissed his hair, inhaled his scent, and found himself getting turned on again. He silently cursed himself for being so easy at such an inappropriate time. Nando didn’t need this now; he needed support and maybe a little compassion, not a horny man holding him.
    “Is that why you’re so negative about relationships?” Cooper asked softly.
    “I don’t ever want to hurt like that again.”
    “I promise I won’t try to kill myself.” Nando turned around inside Cooper’s embrace and wrapped his arms tightly around Cooper. Then he looked up as if something suddenly dawned on him.
    “You want to be dominated. You want a guy who’s in control. I can’t be that. I’m not strong enough.” He looked down as if he was ashamed of his admission.

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    Cooper chuckled. “It’s a fantasy, Nando. Everyone wants to experience their fantasies, but nobody wants to live them.
    I liked the Nando I saw in the club, but I also liked the Nando who was trying very hard to keep his shop open, and I like the Nando that just devoured me.” Nando moved away some but didn’t pull out of Cooper’s arms. “Bet you can’t stand the Nando who cried and broke down.”
    Cooper shrugged. “No, I pretty much like him too. He’s very human, and I like that in a guy.”
    “I made you top.”
    This time Cooper laughed. “No way. I may have been inside you, but I definitely didn’t top.” Nando smiled, looking like he got caught.
    Cooper caressed Nando’s face with his hand. “Yes, I like to be overpowered by my lover, but I’m quite happy topping.
    Then again, I rarely say no to bottoming. I just don’t get the chance that often. For some reason, guys always think I’m a top.”
    “And they think I’m a bottom. Which, of course, I am.”
    “You don’t bottom at the club,” Cooper stated more than asked.
    Nando shook his head. “I’ve fucked a few guys there. Not everyone comes for that, though. Some just want to be paddled or