Bite Me

“Allison, we have an agreement with Mr. Wong. He will stay here and work on a solution to the cat problem, and in return for our not filing charges, you both will say nothing to anyone about our previous—uh—adventures, with Mr. Flood, Ms. Stroud, and any other persons of the blood-drinking persuasion. Nor will we mention any funds that may have changed hands, and who may be in possession of said funds. Agreed?”
    I’m all, “Sweet!”
    “And you have to go home and live with your mother and sister,” the evil Hispano cop continued.
    And I’m all, “No way!”
    And all three of them are shaking their heads at me. And Foo, who is out of handcuffs now, is all, “Abby, you have to go with them. You’re still a minor and your mom will chuck a spaz if they don’t bring you home.”
    “And if that happens, we’ll have no choice but to drop a hammer on Mr. Wong,” said Cavuto.
    And Foo’s all, “And to defend ourselves we’ll have to tell everyone about everything. So we’ll all be hosed and meanwhile, Chet the huge shaved cat will own the City, plus our relationship and stuff would be strained.”
    And by “and stuff,” Foo meant that we would lose the love lair and no one would take care of Tommy and Jody, and Foo would have to become love ninja to some big guy in prison. We were owned.
    I was all, “I blame my mother.”
    I offered my wrists to Rivera for the cuffs.
    And they were all nodding, and “Sure,” and “That works for me.” And “Yeah, I’m good with that.”
    But Rivera didn’t put the cuffs on me.
    And I’m all, “Can we have a minute to say good-bye?”
    And Rivera nods, so I start to lead Foo into the bedroom.
    And Rivera is all, “Out here.”
    So I unzip Foo’s pants.
    And Cavuto grabs my arm and starts to drag me away, so I was forced to give Foo only a minor good-bye kiss that brushed his lips like a breeze from the tomb and left a little bit of a black lipstick streak on his cheek.
    And I’m all, “I will never forget you, Foo. They may tear us asunder, but our love will endure for eternity.”
    And he’s all, “Call me when you get home.”
    And I’m all, “I’ll text you on the way.”
    And he’s all, “Abby Normal, you rock my stripy socks.” Which was totally romantic, because he doesn’t wear stripy socks. I cried and my mascara melted in sorrow.
    Then Cavuto’s all, “Oh for fuck’s sake.” And he starts to lead me out the door, but turns to Foo and goes, “Is that your tricked-out yellow Honda downstairs?”
    And Foo is all, “Yeah.”
    And Cavuto’s all, “You know it’s full of rats, right?”
    And Foo’s all, “Yeah.”
    And so I am a prisoner of the dreaded Motherbot and Foo faces the menace of Chet alone. Gotta jet, my sister, Ronnie, is asleep and I’m going to Magic Marker a pentagram on her shaved head. L8erz.
    RIVERA
    As they were walking away from delivering Abby Normal and her mother to the apartment building in the Fillmore, Cavuto said, “You know, if I’d had Allison there around when I came out to my dad, I think he would have understood a lot more why I like guys.”
    “If the vampire cats’ victims turn to dust, most won’t even be reported unless someone sees the attack,” Rivera said, hoping Cavuto’s train of thought would head on to the next station.
    “She’s so obnoxious,” said Cavuto. “Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body.”
    “Maybe if we get a cadaver dog,” said Rivera.
    “Okay, but don’t bitch about how the car smells later, because I want chili and onions.”
    “What the fuck are you talking about?”
    “Cadaver dogs. You were saying we should go to the ballpark and get cadaver dogs for lunch.”
    “I was saying no such thing. I was saying we should get a dog that’s trained to sniff out cadavers to help us find the clothing of the victims.”
    “Oh,” said Cavuto, who didn’t want to think about vampires. “Sure, that makes sense. So, Barney’s Burgers for lunch then?”
    “You buy,” Rivera said, as he popped the locks on the unmarked Ford and climbed in.
    They drove eight blocks down Fillmore Street toward the Marina, before Cavuto said, “She’s right, you know? I am a bear.”
    Rivera put on his sunglasses and took a few seconds adjusting them on his face to buy time before he answered with a sigh. “I’m glad you decided to come clean about that, Nick, because observing your six-foot-three-inch,