Bite Me

Bummer was going to bite him as soon as he was finished having his ears scratched.
    “I’n’I be Pelekekona Keohokalole. Call him Kona, forshort. Pirate Captain and lion of the briny science, don’t cha know?”
    “I am the Emperor of San Francisco, protector of Alcatraz, Sausalito, and Treasure Island,” said the Emperor, who couldn’t bring himself to be impolite to the smiling stranger, despite the black ship. “Welcome to my city.”
    “Ah, many tanks, Bruddah. Much respek on you, yeah? But you can’t be going on that Raven ship, no. She kill you, brah. Automatic-kine kill. Dead, dead, too. Not walkin’ around dead like them below.”
    “It goes without saying,” said the Emperor.
    FOO DOG
    The rats had been up and moving for about an hour when Foo heard the key in the front door. He put the soldering iron he was using in the wire holder and was turning toward the door when she was on him. He felt his vertebrae crack as her legs wrapped around him and he went over backward. Something caught the back of his head and something wet and coppery was shoved into his mouth: tongue.
    Panic vibrated through him and he felt he might suffocate, but then the smell: a mix of sandalwood perfume, clove cigarettes, and caffè latte. Amid the panic, he’d sprung a first-rate erection, which he thrust against his attacker in defense.
    She pushed away and twisted up a handful of his shirt-front as he gasped for breath.
    “Rawr!” she rawred.
    “I missed you,” said Foo.
    “Your suffering has only begun,” Abby said. She wore a red tartan miniskirt over a black leotard with a low swooping neckline, a spiked dog collar, and her lime-green Converse Chuck Taylors, which she sometimes referred to as her “forbidden love Chucks” for no reason that he could ever figure out.
    “You’re kind of crushing my ribs.”
    “That is because I am nosssssss-feratu and my powers are legion and stuff! Très cool, huh?”
    Foo realized then that she had actually done it—she had somehow managed to change herself into a vampire. Her nose, eyebrow, and lip rings were gone, the piercings healed. The spider tattoo on her neck was gone as well. “How?” he asked, immediately trying to calculate her odds of survival. He’d talked to her yesterday on the phone and he was sure she would have mentioned the transition if she’d made it already, so she was in her first twenty-four hours. She might still be one of the ones who went insane and self-destructed, and even though Abby was short neither on insanity or self-destruction, it didn’t mean he shouldn’t try to save her.
    She kissed him again, hard, and as nice as it felt, he was hyper aware of whether she had broken the skin on his lips, or hers. So far, so good. She pushed him back, but then caught the back of his head again so it didn’t bang the floor. She actually seemed a little more considerate now that she was dead, although not that much quieter.
    “Be patient, my love ninja, I will use you like the delicious manga-haired man-whore that you are, but first wehave to try out my powers. Let some of the rats out of their cages and I will command them with my vampire psychic thoughts. I’ll see if I can get them to clean the kitchen.”
    Okay, maybe they weren’t out of the insanity woods quite yet, Foo thought. He said, “Yes, and then we’ll see if we can get bluebirds to tie a ribbon in your hair.”
    “Snark not, Foo! You must obey me! I am the Countess Abigail Von Normal, queen bitch of the night, and you are my groveling sex slave!”
    “Are you a countess or a queen? You said both.”
    “Shut up, grommet, before I suck you dry!”
    “Okay,” said Foo. A wise man picks his battles.
    “Not that way, Foo. I mean that I will dominate you and you will do my bidding!”
    “Which will be different from any other day, how?”
    “Cease your banality and nerdardious questions, Foo. You are totally harshing my heady power over the night.”
    “It sounds like you bought a flashlight.”
    “That’s it. I am going to beat your ninja ass.” She leapt off of him and made the “crouching tiger, rip your heart out” kung-fu posture that everyone who has seen a martial arts movie knows.
    “Wait! Wait! Wait!”
    “’Kay,” said Abby, relaxing to the much less dangerous “slouching tiger chillin’ with a bag of Cheetos” stance, which is known by all who have ever snacked.
    “You need to feed, get your strength up first,” said Foo. “You’re a vampire