Bite Me

Countess?”
    “Tommy’s in the bedroom. I don’t know where Jody is.”
    “She didn’t call?”
    “No.”
    “Fucksocks! Did you turn Tommy back, too?”
    “No. I started making his serum, but he didn’t want to do anything until they take care of the other vampire. We need to, though, Abby. He won’t live much longer if we don’t.”
    “I know. The pirate Rasta guy on the black ship told us. Other vampire? Only one?”
    “Rivera called while you were unconscious. The Animals took one of them down at the Safeway.”
    “Did you tell him to stay off the black ship?”
    “Tommy did.”
    “What about Chet?”
    “I don’t know.”
    “He could be—Hey, where’s my tail?”
    “It sort of fell off when you turned back to human.”
    “Did you save it?”
    “Well, no. I left it on the coffee table and when the sun came up, well, it sort of burned up.”
    “You burned up my tail? That was a part of me.”
    “It was a disgusting part of you.”
    “You’re such a racist, Foo. I’m glad we broke up.”
    “We did?”
    “We were going to, weren’t we? Wasn’t that what you wanted to talk about? About how I’m way too complex and mysterious for you and you need to return to your traditional science-nerd values and live in the Sunset with your parents, instead of the awesome love lair with your goddess-like vampire girlfriend, who will never do you again, even when you beg, even out of pity, no matter how fly your sexy manga hair is? Isn’t that what you were going to say?”
    “Not in so many words. I’m going to move to Berkeley. It’s hard, Abby—”
    “Well, save your breath, s’il vous plaît, I’m over you. I will not be further abused by your toady banalities and whatnot.”
    “Your mom called. She wants you to come home.”
    “Yeah, that’s going to happen. Oh, what’s this, monkeys flying out of my tailless butt?”
    “She said they sent your report card. You passed Mr. Snavely’s biology class.”
    “I did?”
    “She said she almost fainted. Jared said it was your extra-credit project that did it. Why didn’t you tell me you took one of the rats to school with you?”
    “Well, I didn’t think it worked out that well. I mean, the rat was already vamped, so when I took him out of the shoe box, he just looked kind of dead. And Mr. Snavely was all, “‘Oh, that’s lovely, Allison, a dead rat.’” But it was sunny in biology lab, and all of a sudden my rat just spontaneously combusts, and I’m all, ‘Check it, bitches, spontaneous rodent combustion, it’s the wave of the future.’”
    “Well, because he couldn’t figure out how you did it, he passed you.”
    “I am the dark mistress of Biology One-oh-two. Fear me. Rawr!” she said. Then she kissed him hard, but not ashard as she had when she was a vampire, which was a relief, but then she pushed him away and slapped him.
    “Ouch. I didn’t think you were a slut.”
    “I know, that’s was our bittersweet break-up kiss. I will go grieve now until Lord Flood awakes and we resume the search for the Countess. I’m starving. Do you want to go get a sammy and a Starbucks? I have like ten grand in my messenger.”
    THE LOVE LAIR
    He awoke at sundown with her face in his mind’s eye and panic running up his spine. He bolted out of the bedroom into the great room, where Abby was hanging up the phone.
    “That was the Countess,” Abby said. “She’s okay. She’ll be here in a few minutes.”
    “And you’re okay? You’re alive. You have heat.” He could see the heat coming off her and the healthy life aura around her.
    “Yeah, thanks. Foo destroyed my tail.” She turned and looked to the kitchen. “The traitorous racist heartbreaking fucktard!”
    “Little harsh,” Tommy said. “He saved your life.”
    “Heartbroken. Grieving. Inconsolable. Tail’s gone. Going to have to get totally repierced and tattooed.”
    “But you showered and your eye makeup isn’t all racoony anymore.”
    “Thanks. I like the blood splatters on your pants.”
    “Hi,” said Foo Dog from the kitchen, where he was filling a syringe with what looked like blood. “I have your serum ready, whenever you’re ready.”
    “I’m not ready.”
    “You have to, you know.”
    The doorbell buzzed. Tommy keyed the intercom.
    “It’s me,” Jody said.
    He buzzed her in and she was at the top of the steps in an instant, then kissing him. He pushed her back and looked at her clothes, shredded at the elbows and knees, stained with