Bloodsucking fiends: a love story

have no idea how badly I need it. I've only done it twice in my life and both times I was so drunk that I had to be told about it the next day. Please, for the love of God, end this suffering, fuck me now or kill me!
    "Would you like a cappuccino?" he asked.
    She shook her head. "Tommy, can I trust you? Can I be honest with you?"
    "Sure."
    "Look, I don't want to be too forward, but I think I have to be…"
    "I knew it." He fell forward until his head hit the table, rattling the silverware. He spoke into the tablecloth. "You just broke up with a guy, and this date seemed like a good idea at the time, but you think that you're still in love with him. And I'm a really nice guy and you'll always be my friend. Right?"
    "No. I wasn't going to say that."
    "Oh, then you've just gotten out of a bad relationship and you're not ready to get into another one. You need to be alone for a while and find out what you really want. Right?"
    "No…"
    "Right," Tommy said into the tablecloth. "But things are moving a little too fast and maybe we should see other people for a while. I knew it. I knew you would break my -"
    Jody whacked him on the back of the head with a soup spoon. "Ouch!" Tommy sat up, rubbing the rising lump. "Hey, that hurt."
    "Are you okay?" she asked, holding the soup spoon at ready.
    "That really hurt."
    "Good." She put the spoon down. "I was going to say that I don't want to be too forward, but you and I both need a place to live, and I need some help with some things, and I like you, and I was wondering if you wanted to get a place together?"
    Tommy stopped rubbing his head. "Now?"
    "If you don't have other plans."
    "But we haven't even, you know…"
    "We can just be roommates if you'd like. And if you need to think it over, I'll understand, but I really need your help."
    Tommy was stunned. No woman had ever said anything like that to him before. In just these few minutes she had come to trust him enough to lay herself open to total rejection. Women didn't do that, did they? Maybe she was nuts. Well, that would be okay; she could be Zelda to his F. Scott. Still, he felt as if he owed her some sort of confession that would leave him equally vulnerable.
    "Five Chinese guys asked me to marry them today," he said.
    Jody didn't know what to say, so she said, "Congratulations."
    "I didn't accept."
    "Thinking it over?"
    "No, I wouldn't two-time you."
    "That's sweet, but technically you'd be six-timing me."
    Tommy smiled. "I like you, I really do."
    "Then let's move in together."
    Frederick appeared at the table. "Well, I can see things are going along just swimmingly between you two."
    "Check, please," Jody said.
    "Right away." Frederick headed back into the cafe in a bit of a snit.
    Tommy said, "You're going to break my heart, aren't you?"
    "Irreparably. Would you like to go for a walk?"
    "Sure, I guess."
    Frederick returned to the table with the check wallet. Jody pulled a wad of cash out of her backpack and handed him a hundred-dollar bill. As Tommy started to protest, standing to dig money out of his jeans pocket, Jody picked up her soup spoon and brandished it threateningly. "I'll get this." Tommy sat back down. To Frederick, Jody said, "Keep the change."
    "Oh, you are too generous," Frederick gushed. He started backing away from the table in a half-bow.
    "And, Frederick," Jody added, "Batman is far more over-accessorized than I am."
    "I'm sorry you heard that," Frederick said. "An overdeveloped sense of fashion will be my downfall." He looked at Tommy. "You're right, she's going to break your heart."
    "Have you seen Coit Tower?" she asked as they walked.
    "From a distance."
    "Let's go there. It's all lit up at night."
    They walked for a while without talking. Jody walked on the inside and dealt with the barkers with a shake of her head and a wave of dismissal. To one barker she said, "Thanks, but we're going to put on our own show."
    Tommy coughed and tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. He looked at her as if she'd just announced the Second Coming.
    "I have to go to work at midnight," he said.
    "You'll have to keep an eye on the time, then."
    "Right. I will."
    I can't believe I'm being this aggressive, Jody thought. I hear myself say these things and it's as if they're coming out of someone else's mouth. And he just agrees. I'd have become a tramp a long time ago if I'd known what a great sense of control it gives you.
    They passed two tall women with enormous breasts and impossibly narrow hips unloading wigs,