Brazen Virtue

relationship because of drugs and had pushed the man totally out of her life.
    But this was her sister. She pressed her fingers to her eyes and tried to think.
    Valium. Three bottles of it from three different doctors. And for all she knew, Kathleen could have more stashed at school, in her car, God knew where.
    She hadn’t been snooping, not the way Kathleen had accused her of. She’d needed a damn pencil and had known that Kathleen would have kept one in the drawer beside her bed. She’d found the pencil all right. Freshly sharpened. And the three bottles of pills.
    “You don’t know what it’s like to have nerves,” Kathleen had raged at her. “You don’t know what it’s like to have real problems. Everything you’ve ever touched has turned out exactly the way you wanted it. I’ve lost my husband, I’ve lost my son. How dare you lecture me about anything I do to stop the pain?”
    She hadn’t had the right words, only anger and recriminations. Face up to it, goddamn it. For once in your life, face up to it. Why hadn’t she said I’ll help you. I’m here for you. That’s what she’d meant. She could go back down now and plead, grovel, scream, and get only one reaction. The wall was up. She’d faced that same wall before. When Kathleen had broken up with a longtime boyfriend, when Grace had gotten the lead in the class play.
    Family. You didn’t turn away when it was family. On a sigh, Grace went downstairs to try again.

    Kathleen was in her office with the door shut. Promising herself she’d stay calm, Grace knocked. “Kath.” There was no answer, but at least the door wasn’t locked. Grace pushed it open. “Kath, I’m sorry.”
    Kathleen finished checking a tenth-grade paper before she looked up. “You don’t have to apologize.”
    “Okay.” So she was calm again, Grace thought. Whether it was from the pills or that her temper had cooled, she couldn’t be sure. “Look, I thought I’d run next door and tell Ed we’d make it another night. Then we could talk.”
    “There’s nothing more to talk about.” Kathleen put the graded paper on one pile and picked up a new paper from another stack. She was deadly calm now. The pills had given her that. “And I’m on call tonight. Go have a good time.”
    “Kathy, I’m worried about you. I love you.”
    “I love you, too.” She meant it, she only wished she were capable of showing just how much she meant it. “And there’s nothing for you to worry about. I know what I’m doing.”
    “I know you’re under a lot of pressure, terrible pressure. I want to help.”
    “I appreciate it.” Kathleen marked an answer wrong and wondered why her students couldn’t pay more attention. No one seemed to pay enough attention. “I’m handling it. I told you I’m glad you’re here, and I am. I’m also happy to have you stay as long as you like—and as long as you don’t interfere.”
    “Honey, valium addiction can be very dangerous. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

    “I’m not addicted.” Kathleen gave the paper a C minus. “As soon as I have Kevin back and my life’s in order, I won’t need pills.” She smiled and picked up another paper. “Stop worrying, Gracie. I’m a big girl now.” When her phone rang, she got up from her desk and moved to the chair. “Yes?” Kathleen picked up a pencil. “Yes, I’ll take him. Give me the number.” She wrote it down, then pushed down the disconnect button. “Good night, Grace. I’ll leave the porch light on for you.”
    Because her sister was already dialing the number, Grace backed out of the office. She grabbed her coat from the hall closet where Kathleen had hung it, then rushed outside.
    The bite of early April made her think again of Florida. She might still persuade Kathleen to go. Or perhaps to the Caribbean or Mexico. Anywhere warm and relaxed. And once she had her out of town, away from the worst of the pressure, they could really talk. If that failed, Grace had memorized the names of the three doctors that appeared on the labels of the bottles of pills. She’d go to them.
    Still struggling into her coat, she knocked at Ed’s door.
    “I know I’m early,” she said as soon as he’d opened it. “I hope you don’t mind. I thought we could have a drink first. Can I come in?”
    “Sure.” He stepped back, understanding she didn’t want an answer to any question but the last. “You okay?”
    “It shows?” With a half laugh she brushed her tumbled hair away