Brother Cadfael 15: The Confession of Brother Haluin

over, and meekly but resolutely made a plea which only Abbot Radulfus and Brother Cadfael could fully understand.
    "Father," he said, his dark eyes fixed unwaveringly on the abbot's face, "you know that in my trouble I conceived a desire to make a certain pilgrimage, if I should by God's grace be restored. Great mercy has been shown to me, and if you will give me leave, I wish now to register my vow in heaven. I beg your sanction and the prayers of my brothers that I may fulfil what I promise, and return in peace."
    Radulfus regarded the petitioner in silence for a disturbingly long time, his face revealing neither approval nor disapproval, though the fixity of his gaze brought a surge of blood into Haluin's hollow cheeks.
    "Come to me after chapter," said the abbot then, "and I will hear what you intend, and judge whether you are yet fit to undertake it."
    In the abbot's parlour Haluin repeated his request in open terms, as to men before whom his spirit was naked and known. Cadfael knew why he himself had been summoned to attend. Two reasons, indeed, stood clear: he was the only other witness of Haluin's confession, and might therefore be admitted into his counsels; and he could speak as to Haluin's fitness to set out on such a journey. He had not yet guessed at a third reason, but he was not quite easy in his mind as he listened.
    "I must not and will not hold you back," said the abbot, "from what is needful for your soul's health. But I think you ask too soon. You cannot yet have regained your strength. And it is not yet spring, however well we happen to have fared these last weeks. There may still be bitter weather to come. Think how recently you have been close to death, and spare putting yourself in such hardship until you are fitter to bear it."
    "Father," said Haluin ardently, "it is because I have been close to death that I must not delay. How if death should reach for me again before I can expiate my sin? I have seen how it can lay its hand on a man in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye. I have had my warning. I must heed it. If I die in paying the penance due from me, that I will embrace as fitting. But to die and not have made any amend, that would be endless reproach to me. Father," he said, burning up like a stirred fire, "I truly loved her, I loved her according to the way of marriage, I would have loved her lifelong. And I destroyed her. I have hidden my sins too long. Now that I have confessed them I long to complete the atonement."
    "And have you thought of the miles you must go and return? Are you in any case to ride?"
    Haluin shook his head vigorously at that. "Father, I have vowed already in my heart and will repeat the vow on the altar, to go on foot to the place where she is buried, and on foot return - on these feet that brought me to the earth and made me to face the truth of my unshriven offenses. I can go, I have learned how the innocent lame must go. Why should not I, who am guilty of so much, suffer the same labours? I can endure it. Brother Cadfael knows!"
    Brother Cadfael was none too pleased at being called in witness, and none too happy about saying anything which could promote this obsessed enterprise, but neither could he see any genuine peace of mind for this tormented creature until the expiation was completed.
    "I do know he has the will and the courage," he said. "Whether he has the strength is another matter. And whether he has the right to force his body to the death in order to cleanse his soul is something on which I will not judge."
    Radulfus pondered for some minutes in sombre silence, eyeing the petitioner with fixity which should have caused him to stir uneasily and lower his gaze had there been anything false or pretentious in his purpose, but Haluin's wide, earnest eyes sustained the encounter ardently.
    "Well, I acknowledge your desire to atone, late though it comes," said the abbot at last, "and I understand the better since the delay of years has not been for your own sake. Go, then, make the attempt. But I will not permit you to go alone. There must be someone with you in case you founder, and should that happen, you must allow him to make such dispositions for your safety as he sees fit. If you endure the journey well, he need not do anything to impair your sacrifice, but if you fall by the wayside, then he stands as my representative, and you must obey him as you obey me."
    "Father," said Haluin in anxious protest, "my sin is mine alone, my confession sealed