Carnal Innocence

college, he decided. He’d damn well see to it.
    “Mr. Tucker?” Cy felt the tears rising again and hated them. They made him feel like a whining girl.
    “Yeah?”
    “Do you figure I killed him?”
    Tucker bit back a sharp denial. He took a careful breath, then pulled out a cigarette. “How’d you come up with that?”
    “I didn’t do like he told me. I didn’t do it, and he ran off. He probably got crazy mad at me, and he went after Miss Waverly. Now he’s dead. I didn’t honor my father, and now he’s dead.”
    Tucker struck a match, as if considering. “That may be the how and why of it, and it may not. But you’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do you think that particular commandment means you’ve got to honor your father by helping him kill an unarmed man?”
    “No, sir, but—”
    “You saved my life yesterday, Cy.” He waited until the boy’s gaze lifted to his. “That’s a plain fact. If you’d done what he told you to do, maybe he’d be alive, or maybe he’d have gone off after Caroline just the same. But I’d be dead. There’s no way around that one, is there?”
    “No, sir, I guess not.”
    “Austin killed himself. There’s no way around that either.”
    Cy wanted to believe that, was desperate to. He fought to keep his voice from breaking. “I’m not sorry he’s dead. I’m not sorry. Now I’m going to hell and burn through all eternity because when the sheriff told me he was dead, I was glad.”
    Christ, Tucker thought as he dragged on the cigarette. This was getting touchy, and when it came to the realms of heaven and hell, he would make a poor teacher. But the boy needed something more than platitudes.
    “I’m not much on religion myself. That was a bigdisappointment to my mama. Maybe there’s a hell all right. Christ knows, there’s plenty of people who deserve to do time there. But when I think about it, when I sit down and think real hard about it, I can’t see people getting sent to hell for feelings they can’t help. How you act, how you are with other people, what you make of yourself—all that counts for more, I think.”
    “But sinful thoughts—”
    This time Tucker laughed, and tipping back his cap grinned at Cy. “Son, if you went to hell for thoughts, heaven would be a mighty lonely place to spend eternity.” He sobered and brushed at the boy’s hair. “I can’t say why your father did the things he did. But he was wrong. Hurting you and your ma, those things weren’t right, Cy, no matter how much he quoted scripture while he was at it. There’s no sin in feeling glad that’s behind you.”
    The raw lump in Cy’s gut began to shrink. “My ma, she’s not going to be glad.”
    “You can’t take on her feelings. You’ve got your own. There’s something I want to put to you, something I want you to think about.”
    “Yes sir.”
    “I know Della told you you could stay on here as long as you want.”
    Panic widened the boy’s eyes. “I won’t be any trouble, Mr. Tucker. I won’t eat much, I promise, and I’ll work hard. I can—”
    “Hold on. Nobody’s pushing you out.” Wondering how best to phrase it, Tucker tamped out his cigarette. “I figure Vernon will take over the farm and see to your ma’s needs. Ruthanne’s nearly grown.”
    “She’s saving up to leave.” Cy bit his lip. “That’s a secret.”
    “Nothing I like better than keeping a lady’s secrets. Now, I’m thinking you could keep working for me, part-time, when school starts up again. Part of your pay could go to your ma to help her out. And I could add room and board.”
    Something swelled in his throat. He didn’t evenrecognize it as hope. “You mean I could move in to Sweetwater? For good?”
    “Until there’s somewhere else you’d rather go. If it’s something you want. Cy, I’ll do what I can to make it happen. Your ma would have to agree to it, and there’d probably be some kind of legal work to make me a kind of guardian over you. You’d have to want it, though.”
    Cy only stared, afraid to hope for so much. “I’d do anything you told me. I wouldn’t cause you trouble.”
    “We’ll look into it. I guess I’d better come up with some rules so you can see what you’re getting into.” To give Cy time to compose himself, he heaped more pâté on a cracker. If he’d done nothing else right this day, he’d taken the boy’s mind off his misery. “No drinking till you’re of age.”
    “No, sir.”
    “No wild parties unless you