Carpe Jugulum

him?” said Nanny. “He can’t see an open door without going through it, bless ’im. And he likes to be near his mum.”
    “Could we open a window?” said Magrat.
    “The rain’ll get in.”
    “Yes, but the smell will go out.” Magrat sighed. “You know, we’ve left at least one bag of toys. Verence was really very keen on those mobiles.”
    “I still think it’s a bit early to start the poor little mite on education,” said Nanny, as much to take Magrat’s mind off the current dangers as from a desire to strike a blow for ignorance.
    “Environment is so very important,” said Magrat solemnly.
    “Did I hear he told you to read improvin’ books and listen to posh music while you were expecting?” said Nanny, as the coach rushed through a puddle.
    “Well, the books were all right, but the piano doesn’t work properly and all I could hear was Shawn practicing the trumpet solo,” said Magrat.
    “It’s not his fault if no one wants to join in,” said Nanny. She steadied herself as the coach lurched. “Good turn of speed on this thing.”
    “I wish we hadn’t forgotten the bath, too,” Magrat mused. “And I think we left the bag with the toy farm. And we’re low on nappies…”
    “Let’s have a look at her,” Nanny said.
    Baby Esme was passed across the swaying coach.
    “Yes, let’s have a look at you…” said Nanny.
    The small blue eyes focused on Nanny Ogg. The pink face on the small lolling head gave her a speculative look, working out whether she’d do as a drink or a toilet.
    “That’s good, at this age,” said Nanny. “Focusing like that. Unusual in a babby.”
    “If she is at this age,” said Magrat darkly.
    “Hush, now. If Granny’s in there, she’s not interfering. She never interferes. Anyway, it wouldn’t be her mind in there, that’s not how she works it.”
    “What is it, then?”
    “You’ve seen her do it. What do you think?”
    “I’d say…all the things that make her her,” Magrat ventured.
    “That’s about right. She wraps ’em all up and puts ’em safe somewhere.”
    “You know how she can even be silent in her own special way.”
    “Oh yes. No one can be quiet like Esme. You can hardly hear yourself think for the silence.”
    They bounced in their seats as the coach sprang in and out of a pothole.
    “Nanny?”
    “Yes, love?”
    “Verence will be all right, won’t he?”
    “Yep. I’d trust them little devils with anything except a barrel of stingo or a cow. Even Granny says the Kelda’s damn good—”
    “The Kelda?”
    “Sort of a wise lady. I think the current one’s called Big Aggie. You don’t see much of their women. Some say there’s only ever one at a time, and she’s the Kelda an’ has a hundred kids at a go.”
    “That sounds…very…” Magrat began.
    “Nah, I reckons they’re a bit like the dwarfs and there’s hardly any difference except under the loincloth,” said Nanny.
    “I expect Granny knows,” said Magrat.
    “And she ain’t sayin’,” said Nanny. “She says it’s their business.”
    “And…he’ll be all right with them?”
    “Oh yes.”
    “He’s very…kind, you know.” Magrat’s sentence hung in the air.
    “That’s nice.”
    “And a good king, as well.”
    Nanny nodded.
    “It’s just that I wish people took him…more seriously,” Magrat went on.
    “It’s a shame,” said Nanny.
    “He does work very hard. And he worries about everything. But people just seem to ignore him.”
    Nanny wondered how to approach it.
    “He could try having the crown taken in a bit,” she ventured, as the coach bounced over another rut. “There’s plenty of dwarfs up at Copperhead’d be glad to make it smaller for him.”
    “It is the traditional crown, Nanny.”
    “Yes, but if it wasn’t for his ears it’d be a collar on the poor man,” said Nanny. “He could try bellowing a bit more, too.”
    “Oh, he couldn’t do that, he hates shouting!”
    “That’s a shame. People like to see a bit of bellowing in a king. The odd belch is always popular, too. Even a bit of carousing’d help, if he could manage it. You know, quaffing and such.”
    “I think he thinks that isn’t what people want. He’s very conscious of the needs of today’s citizen.”
    “Ah, well, I can see where there’s a problem, then,” said Nanny. “People need something today but they generally need something else tomorrow. Just tell him to concentrate on bellowing and carousing.”
    “And