Chasing Daisy

down Old Compton Street with a dark-haired man and a baby in a pushchair. I recognised the man as being Johnny’s best friend Christian – he was always nice to me – but I couldn’t place the girl at first. I was in two minds about whether or not to say hello to Christian, but then it dawned on me who he was with and I was too shocked to do anything except hide back in a dark doorway and let them pass. They seemed happy together, like a couple, and as my eyes flicked down to their little boy, he glanced up and saw me. His hair was blond, like his mother’s, but his eyes, they were green, like Johnny’s.
    I wonder if he knows he’s a father.
    I scoured the papers compulsively after that, every single one of them. But there was nothing in them about Johnny fathering a son. That was when I told myself I had to end my tabloid obsession. I haven’t read them since.
    Now I have an unbearable urge to surf the internet for everything and anything there is to read about Johnny Jefferson. But I compress this desire right down into a tiny ball and hide it away, deep inside. I’m not going down that path again.
    The grid begins to clear because the race is about to start. I take a few deep breaths to steady myself and then go to watch the action on the television screens. The camera zooms in on the two black, white and gold cars at the front and I push thoughts of my ex to the back of my mind as I focus my attention on Will and Luis.
    ‘You’re still here!’ Holly exclaims in surprise.
    I nod and manage a tight smile. The drivers set off on their warm-up lap, around Casino Square and through the tunnel, then the shimmering harbour, crowded with white yachts, is laid out before them. The cars come around the last turn and take their places on the grid, then the five lights go red, and they’re off!
    Will has a good start and almost beats Luis to the first corner, but Luis keeps his nerve. The television screens cut to Will’s on-car camera and suddenly I get a sense of what it would be like to be in the car with him. He’s flying around the corners, missing the steel and concrete barriers at the edge of the track by a matter of millimetres. This circuit is so much more dangerous than the modern equivalents.
    At that thought, my heart starts racing and I begin to feel dizzy, but this time, Holly cottons on quickly that something isn’t right.
    ‘Are you pregnant?’ she hisses, once she’s sat me down in a chair at the back of the garages.
    ‘Jesus! No! How the hell could I be pregnant? I haven’t had sex for almost two years!’
    ‘Blimey. No wonder you fancy Will so much – you’re desperate for a good seeing to.’
    ‘Pass me that water. Please,’ I add weakly. I glance over to see Laura standing alone within the lines of the white box in Will’s garage. She’s staring up at the single television screen above her head.
    ‘WHOA!’
    The sound of several team members shouting makes me spin around and stare back up at the television. Will is hot on Luis’s tail and now he’s attempting to overtake. I see Laura cover her mouth with her hands and it distracts me for a second, and in that moment another collective gasp erupts from the two garages as Will and Luis zoom out of the tunnel and Will outbreaks Luis into the chicane. But no, it’s too tight, there’s not enough room. Suddenly both cars are spinning and then one after the other slams into a wall, shattering car parts across the track.
    I watch, white knuckled with fear, as the camera zooms in on the wreckage. And then both Luis and Will are climbing out of their cockpits and over the wall to safety. They’re still wearing their helmets – you can’t see their faces – but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that they’ll both be fuming.
    Simon gets down from the control desk on the pit wall and stalks into the garage, his jaw clenched as he opens the door to the meeting room. Luis arrives back at the pits first, with Will only metres behind him. Neither of them has spoken to the press – or each other – along the way. They both tug off their helmets angrily and head towards Simon. The team’s technical director follows the boys into the meeting room and Simon firmly shuts the door behind him. Laura put her hand out to Will as he passed, but he didn’t meet her eyes.
    Holly and I throw each other a glance. We look up to see the television screens broadcasting a crane hauling the wrecked cars off the track.
    ‘Two new cars . . .