Children of the Mind (Ender, Book 4) (Ender Quartet)

To torment you with conversation. But maybe it's supposed to go farther than that. Maybe I'm supposed to torture you and kill you the way I so clearly remember doing with squirrels. Maybe I'm supposed to stake your living body out in the woods, nailing your extremities to tree roots, and then open you up layer by layer to see at what point the flies begin to come and lay eggs in your exposed flesh."
    She recoiled at the image. "I have read the book. I know the Hegemon was not a monster!"
    "It wasn't the Speaker for the Dead who created me Outside. It was the frightened boy Ender. I'm not the Peter Wiggin he so wisely understood in that book. I'm the Peter Wiggin he had nightmares about. The one who flayed squirrels."
    "He saw you do that?" she asked.
    "Not me ," he said testily. "And no, he never even saw him do it. Valentine told him later. She found the squirrel's body in the woods near their childhood home in Greensboro, North Carolina, on the continent of North America back on Earth. But that image fit so tidily into his nightmares that he borrowed it and shared it with me. That's the memory I live with. Intellectually, I can imagine that the real Peter Wiggin was probably not cruel at all. He was learning and studying. He didn't have compassion for the squirrel because he didn't sentimentalize it. It was simply an animal. No more important than a head of lettuce. To cut it up was probably as immoral an act as making a salad. But that's not how Ender imagined it, and so that's not how I remember it."
    "How do you remember it?"
    "The way I remember all my supposed memories. From the outside. Watching myself in horrified fascination as I take a fiendish delight in cruelty. All my memories prior to the moment I came to life on Ender's little voyage Outside, in all of them I see myself through someone else's eyes. A very odd feeling, I assure you."
    "But now?"
    "Now I don't see myself at all," he said. "Because I have no self. I am not myself."
    "But you remember. You have memories. Of this conversation, already you remember it. Looking at me. You must, surely."
    "Yes," he said. "I remember you . And I remember being here and seeing you. But there isn't any self behind my eyes. I feel tired and stupid even when I'm being my most clever and brilliant."
    He smiled a charming smile and now Wang-mu could see again the true difference between Peter and the hologram of the Hegemon. It was as he said: Even at his most self-deprecating, this Peter Wiggin had eyes that flashed with inner rage. He was dangerous. You could see it looking at him. When he looked into your eyes, you could imagine him planning how and when you would die.
    "I am not myself," said Peter.
    "You are saying this to control yourself," said Wang-mu, guessing but also sure she was right. "This is your incantation, to stop yourself from doing what you desire."
    Peter sighed and leaned over, laying his head down on the terminal, his ear pressed against the cold plastic surface.
    "What is it you desire?" she said, fearful of the answer.
    "Go away," he said.
    "Where can I go? This great starship of yours has only one room."
    "Open the door and go outside," he said.
    "You mean to kill me? To eject me into space where I'll freeze before I have time to suffocate?"
    He sat up and looked at her in puzzlement. "Space?"
    His confusion confused her. Where else would they be but in space? That's where starships went, through space.
    Except this one, of course.
    As he saw understanding come to her, he laughed aloud. "Oh, yes, you're the brilliant one, they've remade the entire world of Path to have your genius!"
    She refused to be goaded.
    "I thought there would be some sensation of movement. Or something. Have we traveled, then? Are we already there?"
    "In the twinkling of an eye. We were Outside and then back Inside at another place, all so fast that only a computer could experience our voyage as having any duration at all. Jane did it before I finished talking to her. Before I said a word to you."
    "Then where are we? What's outside the door?"
    "We're sitting in the woods somewhere on the planet Divine Wind. The air is breathable. You won't freeze. It's summer outside the door."
    She walked to the door and pulled down the handle, releasing the airtight seal. The door eased open. Sunlight streamed into the room.
    "Divine Wind," she said. "I read about it -- it was founded as a Shinto world the way Path was supposed to be Taoist. The purity of ancient Japanese culture.