Coda 03 -The Letter Z

times, it was that third encounter that made ’em start wantin’ to know my name, where I was from. All that bullshit that I had no desire to share. So after that, I had a rule: twice max, with any one guy. Few years later, I decided even that was too much.
    Up until Zach, that is.
    I know there’s sex, and I know there’s love, and I know if you get lucky, there’s sex and love. That’s what I have with Zach. And I learned over the last few months how much better it is. So up ’til now, I haven’t looked back. But all of a sudden, I’m wishin’ I could do the quick and impersonal thing again, just one more time.
    The new guy’s talkin’ to Lizzy now, but he never takes his eyes off me for long. I can feel him watchin’ me. And right or wrong, knowin’ he’s watchin’ me is turnin’ me on. The more I try to tell myself not to think ’bout him, the more I find myself lookin’ his way.
    I finally look ’round and find Zach. He’s in the kitchen talkin’ to Matt, and he’s lookin’ right at me. I make my way over to him through the crowded living room. Matt leaves before I get there. I lean against the counter next to Zach, with my back to the guy I’m tryin’ to ignore.
    “Having fun?” Zach asks me, and there’s somethin’ funny in the way he says it. Not accusing. More like he’s laughin’ at me. When I look at him, he’s just smilin’.
    “Sure,” I say.
“Who is he?” he asks.
“Who?” I ask, even though I think I know.
    He gives me a pointed look, still sorta smilin’, and says, “The guy you’re flirting with.”

    I feel my cheeks turn red, and I look at the floor. “Don’t know.”
    “He’s still watching you.” He doesn’t sound upset, or jealous. He still sounds like he thinks the whole thing is kinda funny. “He’s cute,” he says.
    “If you say so,” I say, but I can’t look at him.
    “Angelo,” he says in that voice that means he thinks I’m bein’ an idiot, “you think I don’t know by now when you’re turned on?”
Now I really can’t look at him. I feel ’bout two inches tall. I’m embarrassed, and I’m ashamed. I feel guilty. I love Zach so much. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him.
    I’m just ’bout to open my mouth and tell Zach that I’m sorry, when suddenly he says, “Go ahead, Ang.”
    I look up to find his eyes on me. “What?” I ask stupidly. Not usually me who can’t keep up when Zach and I are talkin’, but I definitely feel behind right now.
    “Go ahead,” he says again, smilin’ at me. “Have fun. Just come back to me when you’re done.”
For a second I just stand there, totally speechless. Is he sayin’ what I think he’s sayin’? Is he serious? Or is this some kinda test? Not like Zach to do that, but I still wonder. “I can’t,” I finally manage to say.
    He looks surprised at that. He’s lookin’ at me, doin’ that thing he does, like he’s searchin’ for an answer and if he looks hard enough, it’ll appear there on my forehead or somethin’. And I guess maybe this time it does, ’cause he suddenly gets this look of comprehension on his face.
    “We can’t talk in here,” he says quietly. “Come on.” He takes my hand and leads me through the house and then out into the backyard. It’s cold, and the only people outside are a couple of ladies smokin’ on the patio. Zach leads me past them into the yard, where Matt and Jared have a picnic table. He sits down on it so he’s my height. I’m havin’ a hard time lookin’ him in the eyes.
    “Angelo?” He waits until I finally meet his gaze, and then he says, “I know you want him. I know he wants you. So, what’s the problem?” Now I really feel like this is some kind of trap. “I’m with you, Zach.”

    He reaches out and grabs one of my belt loops. He pulls me over to him. “I don’t mind.”
    I think ’bout that for a minute. We never really talked before ’bout whether we were gonna be exclusive or not. Guess I just assumed we were. “You tellin’ me it’s okay if I sleep with other guys?”
    “No.” His gaze on mine is intense, and I know what he’s gonna say next is important. “I’m telling you that here, tonight , it’s okay if you sleep with him .”
    “Okay.” I’m kinda relieved actually he’s not sayin’ we’re gonna have a totally open relationship. But it’s not gonna be one hundred percent monogamous either. Some gray area in between. And then I realize what that might mean. “I