Cutler 02 - Secrets of the Morning

house, except church music. According to Miss Emily, everything else is the devil's work. She sees him everywhere except where she should see him—in the mirror.
    At this point I would even gladly choose to be living with Agnes again. No matter how weird she behaved at times, she was at least human.
    Once again, I miss you.
    Love,
    Dawn
     
    I stuck the letter into one of the envelopes I had found in the library one day. After I addressed it, I went back upstairs quietly and folded my one blanket as tightly as I could to conceal it under my dress. It would serve as my coat, since my coat was one of the articles of clothing boiled and buried. Then I started out, practically tiptoeing down the stairs. Miss Emily was still immersed in her work in the library. I saw the dim illumination from her kerosene lamp spilling out the doorway. Even so, I paused, waited to be sure she hadn't heard me, and then I walked rapidly to the front door. It squeaked terribly when I started to open it, so I opened it as slowly as I could, an inch at a time. As soon as there was a wide enough space, I slipped out and unfolded the blanket quickly and wrapped it around my body.
    The late February air was still quite cold, especially with the sun buried behind the sea of soiled thick clouds spreading from one horizon to another. It was already late in the day as well. When I looked down the long driveway and off in the direction of the dirt road, I felt a deep pang of discouragement. The world looked so unfriendly. Trees were still bare; the grass and brush was still brown and yellow. I saw only black birds sitting as still as stuffed trophies on the bare branches and staring down at me with a distrusting air.
    I had so far to go just to mail a letter, I thought. But I was determined to do it.
    I clutched the blanket to my bosom and started away. Snow began to fall just as I reached the end of the long driveway. The flakes came down in tiny particles at first and gradually grew larger and larger. Parts of the roadway were soft and parts were so frozen hard and rocky my feet slipped and slid in the shoe boots I wore without socks. The cold air easily found openings in my blanket and rushed up and through my simple dress. I shuddered and tried walking faster and harder to keep warm.
    If only someone would come along, I thought. I began to pray for it even though I knew this was a road built mainly to serve The Meadows. The sky grew darker and darker, but the snowflakes became whiter and larger. Caught up in a rough wind, the flakes were soon whirling about me, slapping me in the face and falling so hard and fast I had to walk with my eyes closed most of the time.
    Unfamiliar with the road, I stumbled and fell over a large bump. I screamed and threw out my hands to break my fall. I landed on some gravel and skinned my palms badly. The impact shook me something terribly too and for a moment I thought I would be unable to get myself up. I felt a terrible pain shoot through my lower abdomen.
    Oh, no, I thought, the baby. I struggled to my hands and knees and caught my breath. With the blanket open and mostly off, I was fully exposed to the wind and the snow. The icy flakes were falling down the back of my neck. I realized I had dropped my letter to Trisha, and had to search for it. After I found it, I stood up and took deep breaths as I clutched the blanket to my body. The pain in my abdomen subsided, but now my palms stung like there were needles jabbed in them.
    I started to sob. I had only made things worse for myself, I thought. As I took renewed steps forward, I felt a pain in my lower back. It grew sharper and wider with every moment. I had to pause to catch my breath, but even then, the pain did not diminish. The pain began to spread around my sides toward my stomach. It felt like I was in the grip of fingers of steel, squeezing. I panicked and started to run. The snow was so heavy I could barely see in front of me anymore. I fell again, and again I scraped my hands.
    This time when I stood up, I spun around in confusion.
    It had grown so dark so quickly, I thought. Was I heading in the right direction? Should I have turned left or right? My panic grew. I started in one direction and then stopped and started in another. Then, terrified that I was lost and would die in the cold, I broke into a trot, my stomach bouncing so hard, I had to keep my hands under it and consequently lost my blanket off my shoulders. But I didn't stop to retrieve it.