Cutler 05 - Darkest Hour

laughing at one point. It was as if what had happened to me had happened to me years and years ago and I was just reliving the memory; I was the only one reliving it. I tried to eat something just so Papa wouldn't be angry but the food got caught in my throat, and at one point I started to choke and had to swallow a glass of water.
    Dinner mercifully ended and I went to Eugenia's room as I had promised, only she was asleep. I sat by her bed for a while and watched her labored breathing. She moaned once, but her eyes didn't open. Finally, I left her and went up to my room, exhausted from one of the most horrible days of my life.
    When I walked into my room, I went to the window to gaze out at lawns, but it was a very dark night. The sky was overcast. In the distance, I saw the flash of lightning and then the first drops fell, splattering against the windowpane like thick tears. I retreated to my bed. Moments after I had put out my light and closed my eyes, I heard my door being opened and looked.
    Emily stood there in the shadows.
    "Pray for forgiveness," she said.
    "What?" I sat up quickly. "You want me to pray for forgiveness after what you did to me? You should be the one praying for forgiveness. You're a horrid person. Why did you do it? Why?"
    "I didn't do anything to you. The Lord punished you for your sinful acts. Do you think anything could happen if God didn't wish it to happen? I told you, you're a living curse, a rotten apple who could corrupt and ruin every other apple. As long as you are not remorseful, you will suffer and you will never be remorseful," she added.
    "I am not sinful and rotten! You are!"
    She closed my door, but I continued to scream. "You are! You are!"
    I buried my face in my hands and sobbed until I was out of tears. Then I fell back on my pillow. I lay in the darkness feeling strangely out of myself. Over and over I heard Emily's sharp, cutting voice. "You were born evil, wicked, a curse." I closed my eyes and tried to shut her out, but she droned on and on in my thoughts, her words drilling deeply into my soul.
    Was she right? Why would God permit her to hurt me so, I wondered. She can't be right. Why would God want to see someone as kind and loving as Eugenia suffer? No, the devil was at work here, not God.
    But why did God let the devil do it?
    We're all being tested, I concluded. Deep in my heart, buried under mountains of pretend and illusion, was the realization that the biggest test of all was just ahead. It was always there, lingering over The Meadows like a dark cloud that was oblivious to the wind or to prayers. It hovered, waiting until its time came.
    And then it released the rain of sadness over us, the drops so cold they were to chill my heart forever and ever.

 
    7
TRAGEDY STRIKES
     
    The next day I woke with terrible stomach cramps. On top of everything else, I had a severe period. It hurt so bad this time that I was actually in tears. My crying brought Mamma to the door. She was just on her way down to breakfast. When I told her what was wrong, she fell into a fluster. As usual, she sent Louella up to look after me. Louella tried to get me dressed and off to school, but I was too cramped up to walk. I remained in bed all that day and most of the next.
    Just before she left for school the following morning, Emily appeared in my doorway to tell me to look into myself for the answer as to why my monthly pain was so intense. I pretended I didn't hear or see her. I didn't glance at her nor did I reply and she left. But I couldn't help wondering why she wasn't ever inconvenienced by her period. It was almost as if she had never had one.
    Despite the pain it brought, I couldn't help but look at my period as a blessing of sorts, for it made it possible for me to avoid facing the world with my hair hacked off. Every time I contemplated getting dressed and venturing out, I felt my stomach cringe even more. Wearing a bonnet or covering myself in shawls would only postpone the inevitable—the looks of shock and surprise on the faces of the girls and the grins and laughter on the faces of the boys.
    However, early in the evening of the second day, Mamma sent Louella up to fetch me down to dinner, mostly because of Papa's fury.
    "The Captain says to get yourself right downstairs, honey. He's waiting dinner on your arrival. I do believe he'll come up here and fetch you himself if you don't come along," Louella said. "He's ranting and raving how there's one invalid child in this