Cutler 05 - Darkest Hour

back to bed."
    "What . . . what," he said, pulling me down to him in an effort to pull himself up.
    "Papa," I pleaded, but he held me down against him, my body twisted so awkwardly, I could barely turn or twist myself free. I thought of yelling for Emily, but feared what she would say if she saw me entwined in Papa's arms like this. Instead, I pleaded with him to let me go. He mumbled and groaned and finally turned enough for me to break free. Once again, I tried to get him to help himself. This time, he took hold of the bedpost and pulled enough to get his upper body back on the bed. I lifted and pushed until I had him on the bed again. Exhausted, I stood by panting.
    But suddenly Papa laughed and thrust out his hand to seize my wrist. He pulled me down to him. "Papa, no," I cried. "Let me go. Please."
    "Bed warmer," he muttered. He took hold of my nightgown and yanked it up as he rolled me over and under him. Pinned down by his weight, I could only try to slither out, but my movements only pleased him and encouraged him even more. He laughed and muttered names I had never heard, apparently confusing me with women he had known on his business trips. I started to scream, but he clamped his big hand over my mouth.
    "Shh," he said. "Or you'll wake the house."
    "Papa, please, don't do this again. Please," I pleaded.
    "You gotta learn," he said. "You gotta know what to expect. I'll teach you. . I'll teach you. Better me than some stranger, some dirty stranger. Yes, yes . . . just let me show you . . ."
    In moments he was in me again. I turned my head away as he grunted and heaved his body over me. I tried closing my eyes and pretending I was somewhere else, but his smelly hot breath invaded my thoughts and his lips moved quickly over my hair and forehead, sucking, licking, kissing. I felt his hot explosion inside me and then felt his body grow limp. He groaned and slowly turned over.
    "Bad luck," he said. "Just a streak of bad luck. Gotta break out of it."
    I didn't move. I could hear my heart pounding so hard, I thought it would shatter in my chest. Slowly, I sat up and got off the bed. Papa didn't move, didn't speak. From the sound of his breathing, I was sure he had fallen asleep again. My body shuddered with sobs that began in my heart and remained in my chest. I went to my things, gathered them together and retreated from the room. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I wanted to die in my own bed.
     
    Emily shook me awake the next morning. I had fallen asleep clutching my pillow to me. When I opened my eyes, I saw her glaring down at me.
    "Papa's calling for you," she said. "Can't you hear him screaming in the corridor? I have to wake you up? Get out of that bed this instant," she ordered.
    I looked at the pillow and for a moment, I felt Papa's hot, sweaty body over me again. I heard him muttering his promises and calling me by other names. I felt his fingers squeezing my breasts and his mouth pressing down over mine and I screamed.
    I screamed so loud and so unexpectedly that Emily fell back, her mouth agape. Then, I began to pound the pillow. I struck it with my fists over and over, sometimes missing it altogether and striking myself, but I didn't stop. I pulled at my hair and then pressed my palms against my temples and screamed again and again, bouncing on the bed and striking myself in the thighs, in the stomach and in the head.
    Emily pulled her Bible from her housecoat pocket and began reading, raising her voice to cover my screams. The louder she read, the louder I screamed. Finally, my throat was too hoarse and dry and I collapsed on the bed where I shuddered and shivered, my lips trembling, my teeth clicking. Emily continued to read her Biblical passages over me and then she crossed herself again and began to retreat, singing a hymn as she did so.
    She brought Papa to my bedroom door. He stood on his crutches and looked in at me.
    "The devil entered her body last night," she told him. "I've started the process of driving him out."
    "Hmm," Papa said. "Good," he said, and quickly returned to his own bedroom. He didn't demand I come back. Vera and Tottie came to see me and brought me something hot to eat and drink, but I wouldn't take anything, not a crumb. All I did was sip some water in the evening and in the morning. I remained in bed all that day and the next. Periodically, Emily stopped by to recite some prayers and sing a hymn.
    Finally, on the morning of the third day, I rose, took a hot bath and went