Deaths Excellent Vacation

bouquet of flowers he’d evidently strapped to his hip (male faeries aren’t, as a rule, the Otherworld’s most manliest men). “Two against one—I like your style,” I told the nymphs, giving them a thumbs-up as I moved past.
    It didn’t take long for the nymphs to wreak complete havoc among the fae folk. Ten minutes after they charged in, the whole motley gang of faeries were huddled together in one glittery, gauzy group. Muffled sobs and murmurs of comfort were periodically heard, but they gave the nymphs who stood over them, brandishing their weapons, no further problem.
    None of them did except the head faery, that is. Titania had squared off with her ex next to the biggest bonfire. He was a big blond dude with feathered hair and a garland of ivy leaves on his head. “There you are!”
    “Titania! My love! My darling! My one true . . . er . . . one! How I have missed you!”
    “You lying bastard!” Titania said as she marched around him. Two of the nymphs held his arms while she circled him, the sword pointed right at him. He looked worried. “You missed me? You’re the one who had me banished to the Akasha, just so you could screw some watery naiad!”
    “That was all a mistake. It was a glamour! Nothing more! She temporarily deranged my mind, but as soon as I came out of it and realized what she had forced me to do, I moved heaven and earth to get you out and back to my arms, my dearest, loveliest Titania.”
    “Which explains why you had all nymphs cast out of the Court, eh?” Titania asked, making another circuit around him. This time she poked him here and there with the tip of the sword. She didn’t actually draw blood, but he jumped each time the point touched him.
    “It was the glamour!” he said, starting to sweat. “I swear to you, I would never have done anything to harm you or your girls—”
    The sword poked deep enough into his skin to leave a drop of blood glowing on its tip.
    Oberon squawked. “Ladies, I mean ladies! I would never do anything to harm you or your ladies! You know that, my dearest darling. I live for you, my love. My heart beats for you, only for you. Take my crown, take my wings, take everything away from me—everything but your love.”
    “Aw, man, I feel that chili dog I had for dinner coming back on me,” I said, rubbing my belly. “You don’t think you could lay it on a little more thick, do you, bud? I bet another round of you telling Tittles how much you love her would have me refunding.”
    Oberon’s eyes flashed at me for a second before he made puppy-dog eyes at Titania.
    “A glamour, you say.” Titania stopped in front of him, her eyes assessing what she saw.
    “It had to be that, my darling, my beauteous one. You know I have devoted my whole life to you.”
    I didn’t believe it, but evidently Titania fell for it. She lowered her sword and allowed Oberon to scoop her up in his arms, murmuring all sorts of lovey-dovey crap that anyone with half a mind could tell was total bull.
    “I think I really may ralph,” I told the nearest nymph, the one who frowned so much. She looked a bit green around the gills, too. “Hey, Ti! You gonna get me to Paris before you and the Obster there go off to the land of Boinksville?”
    “Certainly. Cobs, take the demon to the portal in Helsinki and see that it’s sent to Paris. Now, Oberon, about the repeal on the ban of nymphs at the Court . . .”
    The pair of them wandered off. “How long do you give that?” I asked the nymph named Cobs as she gestured for me to follow her. The other nymphs were releasing the wad of damp faeries, all of whom twitched whenever one of the nymphs came too close.
    “Oberon is a smart man. I doubt if he’ll cross Titania again. Especially after he sees what she’s brought with her,” she said, nodding as another nymph carrying a box ran past us toward Titania.
    “Really? Why, what’s in the box?”
    She smiled as she swung a leg over her motorcycle. “Wing clippers.”

Four
    “PARIS at last!” I said as I got to my feet. Portalling is never easy on the bones, although most portal companies have wised up and put a stack of padding at the recipient portal, so at least you don’t actually break anything when you arrive. “Ow. Think I pulled my spleen or something. Still, Paris at last! Hold on, Cecile, daddy is on his way!”
    The chick at the portal company’s desk barely even looked up from her magazine as I gave her a cheery grin before I headed out the door.