Deep Betrayal

“I miss you,” I said.
    “This is my fault,” he said. “Lily, listen.”
    But there were things I needed to say. “Those four weeks we were apart were hard for me. I understand it wasn’t the same for you. I’m okay with that. You finally had your freedom. I expected you to go out and enjoy it.”
    “Lily …”
    “Close your eyes,” I demanded. When he complied with an exasperated sigh, I climbed out of the tub and wrapped a towel around myself, stomping off for my room and leaving wet footprints behind. I slammed my bedroom door and kicked through a pile of clothes, eventually finding a pair of shorts and a fluffy, oversized sweater. I finished getting dressed a split second before Calder let himself in.
    “I wasn’t having fun being away from you, Lily. Being on my own was awful. I basically borrowed a car and drove. I got as far as Moorhead when I saw a bumper sticker that sidetracked me.”
    I kept my eyes wide open, staring at the wall, refusing to blink and let more tears fall.
    “It was a red maple leaf,” he said. “I’d been trying to remember the name on my parents’ boat for so long, I’d forgotten about the flag. When I saw that bumper sticker, it clicked. I remembered.”
    “The Canadian flag.”
    “Exactly.”
    “You went to Canada.”
    He sat down on the edge of my bed and leaned back on his elbows. “Actually, I went to a library. I got on a Canadian transportation site and searched for vessels with names that started with K or R . Guess how many.”
    I crossed my arms. “How many?”
    “Together, about four thousand.”
    “That’s a lot to weed through. Did you think about crosschecking against stories about kids who drowned?” The moment I asked the question, I wished I hadn’t. He took on such a sad countenance that I wanted to take him into my lap and rock him like a child. Instead, I said, “You already thought of that, didn’t you. So? What happened? Did you find your parents?”
    He shook his head. “There are too many drowned children … or children reported as drowned.… I couldn’t bring myself to read those stories. I did narrow the search to Thunder Bay. That would have been their most likely port. It’s close.
    “And what would it matter even if I did find my parents? They’ve probably forgotten all about me.” I tried to interrupt, but he touched his finger to my lips. “Even if they haven’t, what are the chances they’d believe me if I told them who I was? I wouldn’t look old enough to them. I don’t even know my given name. They’d think I was a con artist or something. But what does any of that matter now?”
    “I don’t understand.”
    “Your dad and I had the most amazing day today, right up until … well … did you know your dad played three varsity sports?”
    I wasn’t following his train of thought. “So?”
    He shook his head, as if he were trying to explain astrophysics to a toddler. “He’s backpacked on five continents. He knows the lyrics to every Queen song ever written.”
    I covered my eyes with my hand. “Please tell me he didn’t sing them for you.”
    “He was all caught up in some ancient mythology about merfolk being fantastic singers.”
    “I take it there’s been no improvement.”
    “Terrible. Absolutely tone-deaf. But now I know all the words to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ ”
    “Geez.”
    “Jason’s done things. He’s seen things. He’s really lived. Don’t you understand? Being with Jason is like having a real dad. Your dad is like family. Better than that. He’s family who needs my help. That’s why I’m spending so much time with him, Lily. Can you understand this? I wish I’d found him years ago.”
    “Yeah? Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”
    He sat up and leaned toward me, taking my hand. “Why would you say that?”
    “If you’d found him when I was Sophie’s age, I doubt things would have worked out the same way. First off, my dad would probably be dead by now, and I wouldn’t have you.” If I have you . No matter what he said, his actions spoke louder. There was no denying he was spending far more time with Dad than he was with me. I couldn’t make eye contact anymore.
    “You know how much I need you,” he said.
    “It’s stupid—with everything else going on—to feel this way.”
    “What way?”
    “Like you’ve traded me in for my dad.”
    Calder tipped my chin and kissed me. “I know you just got dry, but how ’bout I show you something. It will do a