Do You Remember the First Time?

He’s unbuttoning his shirt quite casually.’
    ‘Doesn’t sound like much of a stripper.’
    ‘No, no, well, he’s nodding along and then he says, like it’s hilarious, “Ladies, you know, it’s nothing personal. Marriage just doesn’t suit a man. You should see the trouble I have to keep out of for my bird. Those crabs were the last straw.”’
    ‘Bleargh!’
    ‘Exactly. So now I have fifteen screaming women on my hands, but they’re not screaming with excitement, they’re screaming with disgust. But the staff, rather than kick us all out and let me go home, they’re like, “Hey, it’s so great to see people having fun”, with fake American accents. So the stripper doesn’t think it’s funny any more, and he’s talking to himself, saying, “Fuck, don’t mention the fucking crabs, you fucking loser,” and trying to take his clothes off really fast now.’
    ‘You don’t want to see that!’
    ‘Well, exactly! Then he gets down to his pants, which are black leather covered in studs.’
    ‘And they thought the studs were—’
    ‘Exactly. The girls are now screaming, “Seafood! Seafood!” And someone threw a prawn from across the room to get us to shut up and …’
    I shook my head sadly. ‘All it takes is one simple prawn.’
    ‘Every time,’ said Tashy. ‘Anyway, after that, all hell broke loose. There’s thousand island dressing on the ceiling.’
    ‘Yeech.’
    ‘Cheesy bacon bits down the front of my Ronit Zilkha. Selina was sobbing in the corner …’
    ‘Selina always cries at parties,’ I said dismissively.
    ‘… my sister is whispering something in the ear of a very panicky stripper …’
    We paused for a moment to try and work out what that might be.
    ‘Anyway. Then it happened.’
    ‘What happened?’
    ‘Well, everyone else was just throwing food, right?’
    ‘Are we at the meltdown yet?’
    ‘Do keep up.’
    ‘OK. Yep.’
    I could hear her swallow hard.
    ‘I dropped a plate on the floor.’
    I tutted. ‘See! It’s always something really minor.’
    She ignored me. ‘I threw an entire tray of plates on the floor. Just to get everyone to shut the fuck up. Then I screamed, “Shut the Fuck Up!!!” Then I shouted, “Look. All men aren’t bastards! So get over it, Heather. And believe me, if you’re trying to ruin my wedding, you really don’t haveto try so hard. Some men are just wrong. And that’s just as sad. So cut me some slack, OK? I’m doing a brave thing and all I get is abuse and food thrown at me. And, YOU, go to the chemist’s.” Only, maybe I wasn’t as concise as that. And I swore a lot.’
    ‘What happened then?’
    ‘I was manhandled out the building by the suddenly much less friendly-looking staff. They were no longer interested in my having a good Friday.’
    ‘And?’
    She sounded sorrowful. ‘I legged it as fast as I could down Haymarket.’
    ‘You’re joking!’
    ‘Nope. I was out of there. I was at home tucked up cosily in bed with a cup of tea crying my eyes out by nine thirty.’
    ‘Result! Um, was Max there?’
    ‘He was out on his stag.’
    ‘Oh,’ I said.
    ‘He came home at three o’clock in the morning, tried to have sex with me, I threw him out of the bed, he called me a bitch then he immediately fell asleep on the floor. When I got up to go to the bathroom I … I …’
    ‘What?’
    She choked up a little. ‘I accidentally on purpose stood on his hand.’
    ‘You did what?’
    ‘It was an accident. Pretty much.’
    ‘You know,’ I said, ‘when the physical violence starts, that’s about time to sort out a few things about your relationship.’
    There was a furious knocking at the door.
    ‘Flora! FLORA! DISASTRO!!!!’
    ‘What the hell …?’ said Tashy, jumping up from her reverie.
    I ran to the door. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’
    Stanzi’s face dropped about sixteen miles when she saw Tashy.
    ‘That’s my seat,’ she said in a small voice.
    ‘Didn’t my dad tell you I was having counselling?’ I said.
    ‘Your dad, he’s just left. In some big hurry for something.’
    ‘WHAT?’ Tashy and I jumped up and ran to the front window.
    ‘Where’s he gone?’ I said, an uncontrollable panic grasping at my throat. ‘Has he got a suitcase?’ Oh God. What was he trying to say this morning?’
    ‘Shit, what did I say to him?’ said Tash. ‘Jesus, our entire fucking lives are one big meltdown.’
    Stanzi hadn’t followed us out. She was sitting down on the bed, looking