Do You Remember the First Time?

I’ll just go home and drink a pint of tequila and take the sleeping pills on my own, shall I?’
    ‘Stephanie,’ I said, moving forward.
    She showed a residual flash of anger. ‘Don’t talk to me, you little witch. OK, you won, with your boo-hoo eyes. Don’t need to fucking gloat. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. And you’ve left me with nothing. Hope you’re proud of yourself.’
    ‘He would have left us for you,’ I said to her, and meant it. ‘I promise. He would have. If I hadn’t bugged him so much. He did love you.’
    She sniffed heavily.
    ‘And my mum. I had to do it for my mum.’
    She looked from me to Dad.
    ‘Oh, fuck it all,’ she said, and pushed out of the room.
    My dad was actually crying. And he kept saying sorry, over and over again. I hated it and didn’t know how to get him to stop.
    ‘You’ve done the right thing,’ I said. ‘You have. I promise. You’d have been unhappy later.’
    He looked at me. ‘I’m unhappy now.’
    ‘Well, talk to Mum about it. Do something about it. Nobody promised middle age was going to be a walk in the park, did they?’
    He looked at me through red-rimmed eyes. ‘You know, Flora Jane …’
    Whatever he was about to say, he changed his mind. Instead he sank down on to a chair. ‘Let me tell you something about being a grown-up.’
    And I gave him a hug. Just a small one, just enough to let him know everything wasn’t entirely lost.
    I left him there – I couldn’t face it, and he had to go and see Mum on his own.
    Outside, the car was gone. Stanzi was sitting on the kerb of the road, looking more petulant than ever.
    ‘Where’s Tashy gone?’
    ‘Your made-up guidance counsellor went off with a man,’ she said. ‘For no reason. Just to be mean to Stanzi and say everyone has man, even dried-up old lady.’
    ‘Who?’ I said, surprised.
    ‘Fat. Bald. Old.’
    I creased my eyes. ‘Her dad?’
    ‘Maybe,’ Stanzi shrugged.
    ‘Did she know him? You didn’t let my b—’ I nearly said best friend. ‘You didn’t let my friend get abducted, did you?’
    ‘I think unless very perverted, abductor would want me first.’
    ‘Didn’t she offer to take you?’
    ‘Yes. I say no thank you. I care about you. I wait for you.’
    ‘Ah,’ I said. ‘The thing is, I really need to go somewhere …’

Chapter Fifteen
    My feet couldn’t carry me fast enough. I dashed through the streets, tripping over my stupid, stupid wedge heels. When I got my hands on some money, the first thing I was going to do was buy myself a better pair of these fucking shoes. Please let him be in. Please. I had wanted to talk to him, I always had, and I had to say sorry.
    Justin opened the door.
    ‘Hey,’ he said, a mixture of confusion, fear and pleasure passing over his face. His hair was wet, so he must have been just out of the shower. Probably staring in the mirror, prodding at things, if my remembered teenage life was anything to go by.
    I stopped short, suddenly feeling bashful and shy. ‘Hi,’ I said, staring at the ground.
    He looked ruefully at me. ‘Sorry about the other day. John’s a dick. He thinks I’m still nine years old.’
    ‘He can’t help that,’ I said. ‘Actually, is he here? I wouldn’t mind a quick word, if that’s alright.’
    Justin looked a bit perturbed at this. ‘Why?’
    I had to make something up.
    ‘Oh, my mum asked me to give him something. It’s boring. Grown up – some recipe or shit.’
    ‘Oh.’
    He didn’t look entirely convinced, but it would have to do for now.
    ‘Um, yeah. S’pose. He’s just watching the football. But do you want to … go for a walk or something? My mum won’t let me borrow the car. But they’re out. So we could …’
    ‘Why won’t she let you borrow the car?’
    ‘Doesn’t matter. Actually, I’m a very good driver.’
    ‘I’m sure you are,’ I said, smiling. ‘Maybe later?’
    He stared at me for a while longer, then obviously remembered himself.
    ‘Want to come in then?’
    ‘Thanks,’ I said nervously. I stepped over the threshold carefully.
    ‘JOHN!’ shouted Justin. But he was already there, standing darkly shadowed in the hallway.
    ‘What do you want?’ he said gruffly.
    ‘Um, my mum says we have to … talk,’ I said.
    He looked stupefied. How come the teenager could see through such an obvious ruse and the adult was just padding around?
    We sat in the kitchen, at the back, looking out on to the autumn leaves drifting across the garden. Justin