Dot (Araminta Hall)

over the colour of a leaf or running across the grass. This is amazing, he said to himself over and over, look at the life you have, what’s wrong with you, you stupid bastard. At night he lay awake next to Alice’s heavy breathing, staring into the blackness, trying to make out things he wasn’t even sure existed.
    Tony avoided the pub on Monday and Tuesday and Alice seemed so pleased when he walked through the door on time and sober that he resolved never to go again. But then just before he left work on Wednesday he got a crying woman who railed at him because he wasn’t her daughter and Scott shouted out from the front of the room that he had the lowest bell-ringing tally and eleven people called him a cunt in the two hours before he left, which was a new record. He wasn’t going to go into the pub until he saw it – or maybe he was, maybe that’s where he’d always been heading.
    Silver smiled when she saw him and he felt his shoulders loosen, felt the sickness lift from his chest and the band unwind round his head. He understood why he’d been avoiding the place. He went back on Thursday and Friday nights as well and Alice looked as if she was going to cry each time he came home late, making him hate himself. He stayed at home again over the weekend, but felt angry and restless, picking fights with Alice and failing to listen to Dot properly. On Sunday when he was pushing Dot on the swings on the green he saw Silver going into the Co-op and emerging with two filled plastic bags. He watched her walk down the road in her cheap plastic heels and imagined her in her own space, wondering what she ate, what music she listened to, what TV she watched, whom she spoke to, where she lived. He was struck by the knowledge that life is lived in so many different ways by all of us, that Silver no doubt had worlds of which he was unaware, and the thought knocked him off balance.
    She wasn’t there on Monday night and Tony longed to ask Simon what had happened to her, but knew he couldn’t. He went home early and dreamt about her fucking a faceless man next to him in his bed. Alice told him he looked tired the next morning and he said he wasn’t feeling great.
    He held back until Thursday evening, only to find Silver talking to some bloke he thought was called Gerry when he arrived and Tony had an insane urge to pull the man off his stool and pummel his fists into his smug face. The man’s laugh seemed to boom around the pub, his confidence rippling through the atmosphere. Simon served Tony his pint which he drank much too quickly so he ordered another. Finally Gerry got up and left and Silver saw him.
    ‘Hi, there,’ she said, ‘you OK?’
    ‘Fine.’ Tony couldn’t keep the gruffness out of his voice. It was ridiculous.
    ‘You don’t sound it. What’s up?’
    ‘Shit day. Take no notice of me.’
    ‘Right,’ she said, moving on down the bar, ‘I’ve had enough of those.’
    Tony took his pint and went to sit in a corner. He was hungry and remembered he hadn’t eaten any lunch. The beer mixed with his gastric juices, rushing through his body. He ordered another pint from Simon, taking it back to his table without speaking to Silver, marvelling at his own stupidity but unable to stop himself. It was past ten now and he thought he’d rather sleep on the green than go home to Alice. He didn’t have anything to say to her.
    Half an hour later his head was fuzzy and so he stumbled into the fresh air and sat on the bench on the green opposite the pub. He checked his watch a few times and didn’t admit to himself what he was doing. But eventually the last stragglers left and he could see Simon and Silver clearing the glasses and wiping down tables through the lighted windows. He was pleased to notice they did it almost in silence, exchanging a quick goodbye before the lights went off and Silver emerged, her coat done up to her chin and her stride purposeful. Tony stood up without knowing exactly what his plan was and followed her down the road. In the end there was very little option but to quicken his stride and come up behind her. He touched her lightly on the arm and she jumped away from him, letting out a little scream.
    ‘No, sorry, Silver, it’s just me, Tony.’
    She peered up at him. ‘What the fuck are you doing creeping up behind me like that?’
    ‘Sorry.’
    ‘Bloody hell, don’t do that to me. You might live in a tiny little village, but where I come from you don’t want men coming up